I have gone too far Pretending everything to be fine Now there is no turning back I am far past the line My heart is heavy And my mind is sappy But who do i… More
I believe this is the advice people offer confidently and, in abundance. You must have heard these powerful words ringing in your ears or infact you must be the person saying it often. They do magic, be it for some fraction of time until it’s effect diminishes, but they work most definitely. I am not denying what these words can do. But i believe the way people percieve it, is contradicting in certain ways.
You don’t want to care but you want people to care about you, you want to be heard and considered. How do you think that is going to happen if you enforce not caring about people and their thoughts? You feel offended about someone’s opinion and you declare that the person is not worth caring about. Have you imagined how many people think the same about you, have you realised how many people have you offended? It’s endless you know, you do that to others and others do it to you and then you wonder why you have less friends, you wonder why people have become selfish but you never wonder that you are one of those people. There are times we feel lonely even when we are surrounded with crowd and it’s a terrible, terrible feeling. You know why? Because when you realise that people don’t care about you, about who you are, you feel extremely worthless and left out.
The truth is, we have failed to distinguished when to care and when to not. We have completely restricted ourselves to who we care for because we are afraid we will get hurt. You can care and still not get hurt. And that is possible if you care unconditionally, without expecting the other person to care back. No, you will not be a loser if you give a damn. You will be one of those people who make the world a better place to live. You will certainly redefine generosity. Just imagine if someone does that for you. Now would you want to do the same for someone else?
It sits right in the middle of my chest. Slowly crawling it’s way up to my throat, making me suffocate. It’s hard to breathe but i do it anyway. I inhale sharply to the rhythm of air and try to exhale slowly. Oh how i wish that to work! I feel all the more nauseous. But that’s the thing about it, you cannot puke it out and neither can you swallow. It settles like a lump down your throat. If you can relate, you obviously know what i am talking about.
I don’t know what makes anxiety worse, is it the feeling itself or is it about acknowledging the feeling as one. Because once you realise you have it, you percieve it as a problem which cannot be solved. For a moment you are just fine and next you are sweating and feeling extremely vulnerable out of nowhere. They say it’s hard to describe what you feel but it’s not that way. You can describe what you feel but when you are in that moment, you are feeling so many emotions all at once that you fall short of time (not words). You can describe it best when you are actually feeling it because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good and you don’t want to bring it back by writing about it.
It’s like a trauma that hits you in waves. Sometimes they are so strong that they take you with it and you are not present in the moment anymore. You are struggling to breathe and come back to reality but you fail. Sometimes they are weak and pass easily and you are back to being ‘you’, feeling a lot better. It’s exhausting and sometimes even sleeping doesn’t help.
Sometimes you feel to be around people to feel less lonely and sometimes your solitude does the healing and the last thing you want to do is breathe the same air as someone else. Anxiety is high maintenance i tell you! But it does teaches you patience. Feeling lifeless teaches you a lot of patience.
It’s never enough to talk about anxiety. It’s all the same and yet so different every time you experience it.
It’s at night
When my heart aches the most
Yes, i can feel every inch of the pain
Radiating in my nerves
Touching those remote corners
I’ve lately been aquainted to;
It’s not until the wave hits me
That i become aware of my breathing
It starts off heavy
Getting shallow as the reality sink
When my eyes stink
Letting go off the memories
Until it finally ceases
Putting me to sleep
And just when i feel so dead
I wake up with the dread
Wondering was it tears or sweat
That made my pillow so awfully wet.
We become the kind of person we read novels about and watch movies/series of. The way we see things is quite an outcome of how we comprehend our fictional lives. Being this person who lives a life more in fiction than reality, i always felt the way i comprehend things is very different than how people do. When you read lot of novels you kind of become this narrator which describes things in the way that the listener will also feel what you felt like when you were in the moment. Making the reader a spectator of your story is how you sell a great story.
Aren’t we all the narrators of our own life? Then why is that we all view our life with the mediocre vision of boredom instead of an extraordinary exciting touch of our own fiction. It makes a lot of difference how we see things. Our life is our fiction but we don’t really narrate the way we should be. What happens in a good book or a good movie is what happens with us too. But it’s very unfortunate as to how we look at it. We are too busy focusing on what we should do more to achieve more and how to get better and better. It’s endless, you know, getting better is an endless journey. You can never convince yourself that you have finally became the person you always wanted to be. Because what ‘better’ means to us is always a step ahead from where is stand. We keep crying our entire life for the chances we missed, for never having enough. The thing is, we can never have enough of anything. Till the time infinity exist, we can never feel finite. We always want a little more and the little keeps getting bigger until it becomes a pile of huge trash. The trash of our lack of appreciation towards life. The trash which often becomes the reason for demotivation.
There is a difference, the difference between how we see things and how the same things are narrated in a novel/movie.
How we see: A pen falls from my hand and the handsome guy sitting next to me picks it up.
How the novel says it: I keep fidgeting with the pen and suddenly it slips from my hand, ends up on the ground. For fraction of moment i feel irritated until i see the handsome guy sitting next to me picking up the pen for me. I wonder what a gentleman he is! He hands over the pen to me and i smile sheepishly at him. Gratitude.
You see the difference? The difference of a little fictional vision. It is very must to have it, to feel a little more and better than our monotonous way of looking at things. I won’t suggest to feel the same way for every guy who picks up a pen for you, he might not be a gentleman but gratitude is always key to good relationships.
Things might not get better but your eyesight can definitely make a lot of difference. Comprehend things the way an author would do and your life will become the one you read about. Become the narrator who sells a good story, you are the protagonist, always.
There are so many times when we feel completely helpless, like we want to act on the situation but there is something which is holding us back. Might as well that something is your belief that whatever you are going to do is of no use, you have lost the control over the situation. Everytime we think of an action we always think about it’s consequence and every action has a different outcome but when i talk about being helpless, the one thing that comes to my mind is the consequence is ultimate. That is what helpless feels like, no matter how many different actions you take, the outcome is going to be the same. So when you know that nothing good comes from your efforts you just sit back and take time to absorb the reality. As hard it is for you to take in the information and living with your helplessness, for as long as it continues, it is equally hard for people around you to accept the truth.
People often mistake ‘being practical’ as ‘being pessimistic’. When i am in such situation where i know it’s not happening the way it should be, i choose to take a pause to realise that i need a different approach to deal with this. So, everybody needs there own ‘good time’ to realise how to deal with a situation. The good time always vary and it’s relative as to how comfortable you are with your approach. Meanwhile, people around you are going to tell you that it’s a negative approach because to the world it may seem like you are giving up. The world we live in has a habit to see things constantly moving, when there is a pause they think something is wrong. The thing is, do not waste your time in explaining the world about the steps you are going to take, instead work on the execution of your masterplan. There is always a master plan and you are the master.
We are so used to going through other people to convince our own self that whenever we as an individual think of something, we always need an affirmation from someone we are close to. Just to make sure we are doing it right and incase we fall there is always someone to have our back. The problem is we don’t trust ourselves enough to execute something without a heads up from someone else. As much as you are unaware of your future, everybody else is too.
If what you want is going in a wrong way or is not going in any way at all, just take a pause to realise, to update yourself with the facts of the situation. Your potential is always constant, you just need a different approach. If one approach doesn’t work then there are infinite such approaches. Taking time doesn’t mean giving up. A pause can always be played. Don’t feel competitive that people around you are moving forward and on the contrary you are stuck. Comparison is always going to make you feel sick because you are too modest to accept your greatness. The people around you are exploring their path and you are exploring yours and since the two paths are different, the time to reach your destination is obviously going to differ. There is no need to justify someone as long as you know what you are doing. Have faith in yourself. Don’t let anything else consume your will power to become what you want. No consequence is ultimate as long as future is unpredictable.
Constantly tormented between giving up and holding on. I wish life was as easy as we imagine it to be. Every step we take leading us to another, taking us higher, until we reach the door to our destination. But what happens when we realise that there is no such door and the steps were not taking us any higher but we were walking on the same surface, like running on a treadmill, reaching no where. So, in such a situation i wonder whether to look for steps that would lead me higher or to go back downstairs and look for some other path.
I don’t know how many people understand this but when we have two choices to make, there is no right or wrong. It’s all about taking chances. Every choice opens a different door, and none of the path collides with one another. Our choice making is so much dependent on the world that revolves around us. We always make an effort to be faithful to the world’s expectations about us that we end up making choices which are unfaithful to us. Everybody is going to tell you that “It’s your life and you get to decide what you want to do. We always have your back”. But the truth is more than half of them won’t be standing to their words when they realise you made a bad choice. Because whenever they say “You get to decide whatever you want”, there is always this assumption that you won’t screw up. Aren’t we all the ‘positive’ people who never hope for things to go wrong? When things go wrong, before making it right, we freak out and freak everybody else out too.
Other than people freaking out on our bad decision making, the other reason of our influenced choices is appreciation. I’d lie if i say that appreciation doesn’t give me pleasure. It’s very crucial to be appreciated for whatever we do because it makes us realise a lot of things. How do we know that our passion is our passion? Appreciation. We always need somebody else to reassure that we are doing it right because we cannot be the critics of our life. The significance is very charming but also very addictive. We stop living for ourselves and everything we do, we do for others. We are so desperate to be appreciated and liked, it becomes the purpose of our life. Giving in to this temptation we really forget how far we’ve gone past the line of sobriety. The thing is, draw a line when you know where to stop, when you know you are sacrificing your authenticity. You have become nothing but a slave to the world’s expectations. Even though people matter a lot and they teach us many things, it’s not always necessary to do what they want us to do. You can choose what makes you happy because everybody else gets to choose their happiness too. It’s fair to do what satisfies us. You are not being unfaithful to others just because you are not fulfilling their expectations. You are just being faithful to yourself. It takes time for everyone to realise why you do what you do. They will be mad at you for a brief moment but not forever. The only way you give justice to your dreams is not letting them get influenced by the world.
Hate is said to be one of the powerful emotions a human feel. You know when we are in this state of hate, we really get consumed by it. We temporarily forget the good in us. We completely give us to it because somehow it makes us feel stronger and gives us a certain satisfaction which ‘holding on to love’ fails to give. When we hate we don’t really feel helpless anymore because hate opens the gate of violence. Now in this state of mind we think we are free to act aggressively because we are no more accountable to our guilty conscience. We become a complete different person. A person who has hatred in him will have only one answer to every question and only one reaction to every event, which is revenge. This energy that flows through you, this hate, it makes you less of human and more of demonic creature.
It’s all so fascinating in the beginning, giving yourself to the darker side of life but the truth is there is no life on the dark side. It’s just an endless remorse.
And once you get swallowed by that, you will never find an escape for your guilt.
It feels so hard to keep looking for good in a person who made you suffer, to keep holding on and to keep hoping that someday your life will change too, that you deserve good days and a happy life. But who are we kidding to? We spend years hoping that, we spend years to see a shooting star so that we can finally wish for the one thing that we want but we never really get a chance. This all is little too unacceptable for a soul but what choice do we have?
They say the choices we make in our life, makes our life.
So, when the ruptured soul becomes too tired of waiting for a shooting star, the only thing he sees in the sky is flames of exasperation. We give in to hate because it gives us a reason to live. Hate is a lighter toxic than the reason to hate. Sweetest poison, isn’t it? But no matter how sweet it is, it’s still the posion which kills you slowly without you realising it.
It’s so twisted, to justify hate but choose to refuse it.
We have all reasons to hate but what after that? Does hate gives you the life you wish from a shooting star? No, it doesn’t. When you had the faith in humanity, did you hoped for a life where no good exist? Hate might satisfy your thirst for revenge but it will never fulfill the thirst for love. Don’t you forget that all you wanted before hate was love.
Don’t let the evil inside you overpower your will to see the good in the world. We tend to shut our eyes when we are afraid. Maybe it’s time to open them and see how life balances out everything.
We are the hypocrites that we judge. Sometimes in life we contradict with ourselves. We judge someone for something and that something is present in us too. But we are too afraid to face that reality and our belief, our judgement becomes hypocrisy. Unintentionally we end up judging our own self. What is worse than judging your own self?
Its very hard to accept the bad that we do because we always want to be someone good. Someone that everybody falls in love with. We want everybody to love us the way we do to ourself. But sometimes we reach to the level of hypocrisy where we cannot face our self. We feel the good in us is lost because our judgements have overpowered our ability to be kind.
Basically, we raise the standards of what ‘good’ means for us. We keep the parameter high, always. Because we want to be the epitome of kindness and we always try to reach those standards and benchmark that we create for ourselves. Its not negative to create standards but the practicality of the situation is lost when you think you should and you must attain those benchmarks. You need to be practical enough to think that our standards for ourselves are hypothetical. We cannot always be up to the mark. We are never meant to. You are driven by the sanity in you to become this good human being. But we cannot be good always, atleast not to everybody, and not everytime.
We become the hypocrites because we judge ourselves on basis of those hypothetical standards. Infact we judge everybody based on those standards because that is our little theory of ideal life. Its okay to not achieve the highs in your life. Its okay to fail. Its okay to be ashamed for facing yourself for that you are a human too. Its natural. You need to forgive yourself. You can be everything but perfect, because perfection is as hypothetical as your standards are.
We all think that our world is a jigsaw puzzle and each of us is a piece of the same. We try to find our match, we try our best to fit in perfectly for the jigsaw to complete and yes it looks beautiful. But then how accurate are we? How accurate is this comparison of world with a jigsaw puzzle?
When i was a kid, i was desperate to be the person i see in others. To like what they like, to be able to comprehend things the way they do, to portray myself the way others carry themselves and to put up what the world has to offer. Like living a double life, when in the crowd i used to pretend to be like them, i would react the way they expected me to, laugh on the jokes i never found funny, talking about other person’s life even though i was not interested to,pretending to hate someone i was not intended to and lot such things. I was afraid i was not doing it right because all these things were supposed to bring me pleasure just like they did to others but matter-o-factly it made me unhappy. When i used to sleep at night i would feel sorry for talking something i would never mean, i was obviously lying. And whoever said this was right – “You can lie to everybody but yourself”. I was afraid that i was different. I had alot to realise back then, i had to hear this “It’s okay to be different” and not just hear but absorb it in my heart. But there was nobody to say it and i was not aware that, to free myself i will have to accept who i am. Constantly making an effort to fit in because i was not ready to discover who i really was beneath this mask of lies. But i knew one thing that the mask wasn’t a sign of deception but instead it was a protection from the world.
The world is armed, not with real weapons but words, and they had the potential to destroy my very divergence.
So, in life, you may not meet such a person who will come and tell you that it’s okay to be yourself, that you shouldn’t be afraid to be real. The thing is you will have to realise it yourself. And even though it may take time for you to discover who you are and know where you’re happiness really lies in, that’s perfectly fine because great things takes time to realise. The moment you realise you are worth the way you are just start living it up life the way you want to and don’t wait for anybody’s affirmation. People don’t have to accept you, you have to accept yourself.
The one similarity we all have is our uniqueness.
The world will always be vulnerable but don’t fall prey. I am sure you have immense strength in yourself. If i can believe in you then so can you, believe in yourself.
Today i felt like a storm of emotions collided into my heart. Yet this feeling made me hollow. Maybe today that i faced this reality that i found hard to absorb. My mind was empty yet i didn’t had space to suffice the truth. I always had a thing for honesty but for this once the candor felt like a sharp knife. It bruised but i didn’t bleed for that i was so lifeless. I was just a body floating on this universe, a flesh without the soul, a mind without the thought and a heart without the emotion. Yes, today i felt what its like to be nothing.
The far i ran from it, the closer it haunted me back. I walked ahead and tried to leave them behind my footsteps but they were following me back leaving a trail of my own mess. It tried to shame me and it succeeded. It was anonymous until i gave it a name. Yes, today i got driven by my insecurities yet again.
Always that i felt secured under my own skin but today is that i felt trapped. Maybe i was afraid to look beneath this skin for what i truly was. I was afraid from being different than how i looked myself in the mirror. I was afraid to deviate from my own reflection. For what my mirror reflected was just my body, if only it could reflect my mind. Maybe then for once i would have believed that i was beautiful. Yes, today i felt ashamed.
I felt lost yet again but today i failed to found myself. Maybe i was there somewhere but i failed to recognize. Because today i encountered reality and not my distorted perception about it. The distortion was deeply satisfying but it faded soon for that satisfaction was not what i deserved anymore. I deserved to know the truth irrespective if it was meant to be. I tried to see the good and bad but this entire act was hollow. For that there didn’t exist any such thing except for my subjective perception about the good and the bad. I became insane because sanity stopped making sense to me. Yes, today was the dawn which never transformed into my day.