Scream

I have gone too far

Pretending everything to be fine

Now there is no turning back

I am far past the line

My heart is heavy

And my mind is sappy

But who do i tell?

For them, i am happy

I have so much to speak

But not what you want to hear

If only you could listen

What i don’t say, my dear.

Black hole.

The thing about old toys and humans is that you have to let them go when the time comes. Not because they have worn out, not because you stop loving them, but because you have to grow up.

I like being a child. I can be a child forever. It’s like being a child gives you this advantage of commiting a mistake under the name of experience. You are learning and so you will commit a mistake and that is all right until you feel guilty and improvise. But being an adult is like aiming for perfection. You cannot afford to commit a mistake. Being adult is like being on a full time probation. You are always being watched over. Your karma is all set to ruin you once you do something wrong. I know that karma works otherwise as well, even when we are young. But the damage done in adulthood feels irrepairable. It’s like you feel too much pain and there is no remedy that can heal you. There is this part of being mature, we tend to understand things better. We understand our feelings better, the bad ones too.

When you are a kid, crying is a way of getting things done. You cry and you get what you want because no one wants to see you getting hurt. No one wants you to suffer. They want you believe that you will get whatever you yearn for, that nothing is impossible to get. They lie. They teach us to live in denial. And right after reality hit us, we realise that we don’t get everything we want. We cannot have what we cry for. Infact that is why we cry for the most because we realise we don’t have the kind of control over life that we once anticipated.

This transition from childhood to adulthood is like going through a black hole. Your old self disappears without a trace and you keep searching for it endlessly. It’s an entire different universe. You cannot survive in it unless you unlearn. Unlearn things that contradicts with this universe.

It takes power to absorb reality. Power lies in control, and the only control we can have is on our self.

Self control makes us the master of our life. But that is only the partial truth. Because if there is a master, there is a slave. And if we are the master then we must not forget it makes us the slave as well. Slaves to self-pity. Pity of not being able to control ourselves and our life. Perhaps why we feel so powerless sometimes, when our slave-self takes over the master. We become slaves to our own world of control and power. And it’s all too dark. Just like the black hole.

Let us not pity ourselves. Let us not become slaves to our self pity.

Contradiction

Don’t care.

I believe this is the advice people offer confidently and, in abundance. You must have heard these powerful words ringing in your ears or infact you must be the person saying it often. They do magic, be it for some fraction of time until it’s effect diminishes, but they work most definitely. I am not denying what these words can do. But i believe the way people percieve it is contradicting in certain ways.

You don’t want to care but you want people to care about you, you want to be heard and considered. How do you think that is going to happen if you enforce not caring about people and their thoughts? You feel offended about someone’s opinion and you declare that the person is not worth caring about. Have you imagined how many people think the same about you, have you realised how many people have you offended? It’s endless you know, you do that to others and others do it to you and then you wonder why you have less friends, you wonder why people have become selfish but you never wonder that you are one of those people. There are times we feel lonely even when we are surrounded with crowd and it’s a terrible, terrible feeling. You know why? Because when you realise that people don’t care about you, about who you are, you feel extremely worthless and left out.

The truth is, we have failed to distinguish when to care and when to not. We have completely restricted ourselves to who we care for because we are afraid we will get hurt. You can care and still not get hurt. And that is possible if you care unconditionally, without expecting the other person to care back. No, you will not be a loser if you give a damn. You will be one of those people who make the world a better place to live. You will certainly redefine generosity. Just imagine if someone does that for you. Now would you want to do the same for someone else?

Let’s talk anxiety.

It sits right in the middle of my chest. Slowly crawling it’s way up to my throat, making me suffocate. It’s hard to breathe but i do it anyway. I inhale sharply to the rhythm of air and try to exhale slowly. Oh how i wish that to work! I feel all the more nauseous. But that’s the thing about it, you cannot puke it out and neither can you swallow. It settles like a lump down your throat. If you can relate, you obviously know what i am talking about.

I don’t know what makes anxiety worse, is it the feeling itself or is it about acknowledging the feeling as one. Because once you realise you have it, you percieve it as a problem which cannot be solved. For a moment you are just fine and next you are sweating and feeling extremely vulnerable out of nowhere. They say it’s hard to describe what you feel but it’s not that way. You can describe what you feel but when you are in that moment, you are feeling so many emotions all at once that you fall short of time (not words). You can describe it best when you are actually feeling it because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good and you don’t want to bring it back by writing about it.

It’s like a trauma that hits you in waves. Sometimes they are so strong that they take you with it and you are not present in the moment anymore. You are struggling to breathe and come back to reality but you fail. Sometimes they are weak and pass easily and you are back to being ‘you’, feeling a lot better. It’s exhausting and sometimes even sleeping doesn’t help.

Sometimes you feel to be around people to feel less lonely and sometimes your solitude does the healing and the last thing you want to do is breathe the same air as someone else. Anxiety is high maintenance i tell you! But it does teaches you patience. Feeling lifeless teaches you a lot of patience.

It’s never enough to talk about anxiety. It’s all the same and yet so different every time you experience it.

My lullaby

It’s at night

When my heart aches the most

Yes, i can feel every inch of the pain

Radiating in my nerves

Touching those remote corners

I’ve lately been aquainted to;

It’s not until the wave hits me

That i become aware of my breathing

It starts off heavy

Getting shallow as the reality sink

When my eyes stink

Letting go off the memories 

Until it finally ceases

Putting me to sleep

And just when i feel so dead

I wake up with the dread

Wondering was it tears or sweat

That made my pillow so awfully wet.

Narrator

We become the kind of person we read novels about and watch movies/series of. The way we see things is quite an outcome of how we comprehend our fictional lives. Being this person who lives a life more in fiction than reality, i always felt the way i comprehend things is very different than how people do. When you read lot of novels you kind of become this narrator which describes things in the way that the listener will also feel what you felt like when you were in the moment. Making the reader a spectator of your story is how you sell a great story. 

                      Aren’t we all the narrators of our own life? Then why is that we all view our life with the mediocre vision of boredom instead of an extraordinary exciting touch of our own fiction. It makes a lot of difference how we see things. Our life is our fiction but we don’t really narrate the way we should be. What happens in a good book or a good movie is what happens with us too. But it’s very unfortunate as to how we look at it. We are too busy focusing on what we should do more to achieve more and how to get better and better. It’s endless, you know, getting better is an endless journey. You can never convince yourself that you have finally became the person you always wanted to be. Because what ‘better’ means to us is always a step ahead from where is stand. We keep crying our entire life for the chances we missed, for never having enough. The thing is, we can never have enough of anything. Till the time infinity exist, we can never feel finite. We always want a little more and the little keeps getting bigger until it becomes a pile of huge trash. The trash of our lack of appreciation towards life. The trash which often becomes the reason for demotivation.
                    There is a difference, the difference between how we see things and how the same things are narrated in a novel/movie.

How we see:
A pen falls from my hand and the handsome guy sitting next to me picks it up.



How the novel says it:
I keep fidgeting with the pen and suddenly it slips from my hand, ends up on the ground. For fraction of moment i feel irritated until i see the handsome guy sitting next to me picking up the pen for me. I wonder what a gentleman he is! He hands over the pen to me and i smile sheepishly at him. Gratitude.

You see the difference? The difference of a little fictional vision. It is very must to have it, to feel a little more and better than our monotonous way of looking at things. I won’t suggest to feel the same way for every guy who picks up a pen for you, he might not be a gentleman but gratitude is always key to good relationships.

Things might not get better but your eyesight can definitely make a lot of difference. Comprehend things the way an author would do and your life will become the one you read about. Become the narrator who sells a good story, you are the protagonist, always.

Take a pause.

There are so many times when we feel completely helpless, like we want to act on the situation but there is something which is holding us back. Might as well that something is your belief that whatever you are going to do is of no use, you have lost the control over the situation. Everytime we think of an action we always think about it’s consequence and every action has a different outcome but when i talk about being helpless, the one thing that comes to my mind is the consequence is ultimate. That is what helpless feels like, no matter how many different actions you take, the outcome is going to be the same. So when you know that nothing good comes from your efforts you just sit back and take time to absorb the reality. As hard it is for you to take in the information and living with your helplessness, for as long as it continues, it is equally hard for people around you to accept the truth. 

                      People often mistake ‘being practical’ as ‘being pessimistic’. When i am in such situation where i know it’s not happening the way it should be, i choose to take a pause to realise that i need a different approach to deal with this. So, everybody needs there own ‘good time’ to realise how to deal with a situation. The good time always vary and it’s relative as to how comfortable you are with your approach. Meanwhile, people around you are going to tell you that it’s a negative approach because to the world it may seem like you are giving up. The world we live in has a habit to see things constantly moving, when there is a pause they think something is wrong. The thing is, do not waste your time in explaining the world about the steps you are going to take, instead work on the execution of your masterplan. There is always a master plan and you are the master. 

                      We are so used to going through other people to convince our own self that whenever we as an individual think of something, we always need an affirmation from someone we are close to. Just to make sure we are doing it right and incase we fall there is always someone to have our back. The problem is we don’t trust ourselves enough to execute something without a heads up from someone else. As much as you are unaware of your future, everybody else is too. 

                      If what you want is going in a wrong way or is not going in any way at all, just take a pause to realise, to update yourself with the facts of the situation. Your potential is always constant, you just need a different approach. If one approach doesn’t work then there are infinite such approaches. Taking time doesn’t mean giving up. A pause can always be played. Don’t feel competitive that people around you are moving forward and on the contrary you are stuck. Comparison is always going to make you feel sick because you are too modest to accept your greatness. The people around you are exploring their path and you are exploring yours and since the two paths are different, the time to reach your destination is obviously going to differ. There is no need to justify someone as long as you know what you are doing. Have faith in yourself. Don’t let anything else consume your will power to become what you want. No consequence is ultimate as long as future is unpredictable.

                     

Influence

Constantly tormented between giving up and holding on. I wish life was as easy as we imagine it to be. Every step we take leading us to another, taking us higher, until we reach the door to our destination. But what happens when we realise that there is no such door and the steps were not taking us any higher but we were walking on the same surface, like running on a treadmill, reaching no where. So, in such a situation i wonder whether to look for steps that would lead me higher or to go back downstairs and look for some other path.

                     I don’t know how many people understand this but when we have two choices to make, there is no right or wrong. It’s all about taking chances. Every choice opens a different door, and none of the path collides with one another. Our choice making is so much dependent on the world that revolves around us. We always make an effort to be faithful to the world’s expectations about us that we end up making choices which are unfaithful to us. Everybody is going to tell you that “It’s your life and you get to decide what you want to do. We always have your back”. But the truth is more than half of them won’t be standing to their words when they realise you made a bad choice. Because whenever they say “You get to decide whatever you want”, there is always this assumption that you won’t screw up. Aren’t we all the ‘positive’ people who never hope for things to go wrong? When things go wrong, before making it right, we freak out and freak everybody else out too.  

Other than people freaking out on our bad decision making, the other reason of our influenced choices is appreciation. I’d lie if i say that appreciation doesn’t give me pleasure. It’s very crucial to be appreciated for whatever we do because it makes us realise a lot of things. How do we know that our passion is our passion? Appreciation. We always need somebody else to reassure that we are doing it right because we cannot be the critics of our life. The significance is very charming but also very addictive. We stop living for ourselves and everything we do, we do for others. We are so desperate to be appreciated and liked, it becomes the purpose of our life. Giving in to this temptation we really forget how far we’ve gone past the line of sobriety. The thing is, draw a line when you know where to stop, when you know you are sacrificing your authenticity. You have become nothing but a slave to the world’s expectations. Even though people matter a lot and they teach us many things, it’s not always necessary to do what they want us to do. You can choose what makes you happy because everybody else gets to choose their happiness too. It’s fair to do what satisfies us. You are not being unfaithful to others just because you are not fulfilling their expectations. You are just being faithful to yourself. It takes time for everyone to realise why you do what you do. They will be mad at you for a brief moment but not forever. The only way you give justice to your dreams is not letting them get influenced by the world.