Influence

Constantly tormented between giving up and holding on. I wish life was as easy as we imagine it to be. Every step we take leading us to another, taking us higher, until we reach the door to our destination. But what happens when we realise that there is no such door and the steps were not taking us any higher but we were walking on the same surface, like running on a treadmill, reaching no where. So, in such a situation i wonder whether to look for steps that would lead me higher or to go back downstairs and look for some other path.

                     I don’t know how many people understand this but when we have two choices to make, there is no right or wrong. It’s all about taking chances. Every choice opens a different door, and none of the path collides with one another. Our choice making is so much dependent on the world that revolves around us. We always make an effort to be faithful to the world’s expectations about us that we end up making choices which are unfaithful to us. Everybody is going to tell you that “It’s your life and you get to decide what you want to do. We always have your back”. But the truth is more than half of them won’t be standing to their words when they realise you made a bad choice. Because whenever they say “You get to decide whatever you want”, there is always this assumption that you won’t screw up. Aren’t we all the ‘positive’ people who never hope for things to go wrong? When things go wrong, before making it right, we freak out and freak everybody else out too.  

Other than people freaking out on our bad decision making, the other reason of our influenced choices is appreciation. I’d lie if i say that appreciation doesn’t give me pleasure. It’s very crucial to be appreciated for whatever we do because it makes us realise a lot of things. How do we know that our passion is our passion? Appreciation. We always need somebody else to reassure that we are doing it right because we cannot be the critics of our life. The significance is very charming but also very addictive. We stop living for ourselves and everything we do, we do for others. We are so desperate to be appreciated and liked, it becomes the purpose of our life. Giving in to this temptation we really forget how far we’ve gone past the line of sobriety. The thing is, draw a line when you know where to stop, when you know you are sacrificing your authenticity. You have become nothing but a slave to the world’s expectations. Even though people matter a lot and they teach us many things, it’s not always necessary to do what they want us to do. You can choose what makes you happy because everybody else gets to choose their happiness too. It’s fair to do what satisfies us. You are not being unfaithful to others just because you are not fulfilling their expectations. You are just being faithful to yourself. It takes time for everyone to realise why you do what you do. They will be mad at you for a brief moment but not forever. The only way you give justice to your dreams is not letting them get influenced by the world. 

Intoxicated

Hate is said to be one of the powerful emotions a human feel. You know when we are in this state of hate, we really get consumed by it. We temporarily forget the good in us. We completely give us to it because somehow it makes us feel stronger and gives us a certain satisfaction which ‘holding on to love’ fails to give. When we hate we don’t really feel helpless anymore because hate opens the gate of violence. Now in this state of mind we think we are free to act aggressively because we are no more accountable to our guilty conscience. We become a complete different person. A person who has hatred in him will have only one answer to every question and only one reaction to every event, which is revenge. This energy that flows through you, this hate, it makes you less of human and more of demonic creature.

It’s all so fascinating in the beginning, giving yourself to the darker side of life but the truth is there is no life on the dark side. It’s just an endless remorse.

And once you get swallowed by that, you will never find an escape for your guilt. 

                   It feels so hard to keep looking for good in a person who made you suffer, to keep holding on and to keep hoping that someday your life will change too, that you deserve good days and a happy life. But who are we kidding to? We spend years hoping that, we spend years to see a shooting star so that we can finally wish for the one thing that we want but we never really get a chance. This all is little too unacceptable for a soul but what choice do we have? 

             They say the choices we make in our life, makes our life.

 So, when the ruptured soul becomes too tired of waiting for a shooting star, the only thing he sees in the sky is flames of exasperation. We give in to hate because it gives us a reason to live. Hate is a lighter toxic than the reason to hate. Sweetest poison, isn’t it? But no matter how sweet it is, it’s still the posion which kills you slowly without you realising it.

                    It’s so twisted, to justify hate but choose to refuse it. 

We have all reasons to hate but what after that? Does hate gives you the life you wish from a shooting star? No, it doesn’t. When you had the faith in humanity, did you hoped for a life where no good exist? Hate might satisfy your thirst for revenge but it will never fulfill the thirst for love. Don’t you forget that all you wanted before hate was love. 

                     Don’t let the evil inside you overpower your will to see the good in the world. We tend to shut our eyes when we are afraid. Maybe it’s time to open them and see how life balances out everything.

Our hypothetical standards.

We are the hypocrites that we judge. Sometimes in life we contradict with ourselves. We judge someone for something and that something is present in us too. But we are too afraid to face that reality and our belief, our judgement becomes hypocrisy. Unintentionally we end up judging our own self. What is worse than judging your own self?

                   Its very hard to accept the bad that we do because we always want to be someone good. Someone that everybody falls in love with. We want everybody to love us the way we do to ourself. But sometimes we reach to the level of hypocrisy where we cannot face our self. We feel the good in us is lost because our judgements have overpowered our ability to be kind.

                  Basically, we raise the standards of what ‘good’ means for us. We keep the parameter high, always. Because we want to be the epitome of kindness and we always try to reach those standards and benchmark that we create for ourselves. Its not negative to create standards but the practicality of the situation is lost when you think you should and you must attain those benchmarks. You need to be practical enough to think that our standards for ourselves are hypothetical. We cannot always be up to the mark. We are never meant to. You are driven by the sanity in you to become this good human being. But we cannot be good always, atleast not to everybody, and not everytime. 

                      We become the hypocrites because we judge ourselves on basis of those hypothetical standards. Infact we judge everybody based on those standards because that is our little theory of ideal life. Its okay to not achieve the highs in your life. Its okay to fail. Its okay to be ashamed for facing yourself for that you are a human too. Its natural. You need to forgive yourself. You can be everything but perfect, because perfection is as hypothetical as your standards are.

Puzzled

We all think that our world is a jigsaw puzzle and each of us is a piece of the same. We try to find our match, we try our best to fit in perfectly for the jigsaw to complete and yes it looks beautiful. But then how accurate are we? How accurate is this comparison of world with a jigsaw puzzle? 

                    When i was a kid, i was desperate to be the person i see in others. To like what they like, to be able to comprehend things the way they do, to portray myself the way others carry themselves and to put up what the world has to offer. Like living a double life, when in the crowd i used to pretend to be like them, i would react the way they expected me to, laugh on the jokes i never found funny, talking about other person’s life even though i was not interested to,pretending to hate someone i was not intended to and lot such things. I was afraid i was not doing it right because all these things were supposed to bring me pleasure just like they did to others but matter-o-factly it made me unhappy. When i used to sleep at night i would feel sorry for talking something i would never mean, i was obviously lying. And whoever said this was right – “You can lie to everybody but yourself”. I was afraid that i was different. I had alot to realise back then, i had to hear this “It’s okay to be different” and not just hear but absorb it in my heart. But there was nobody to say it and i was not aware that, to free myself i will have to accept who i am. Constantly making an effort to fit in because i was not ready to discover who i really was beneath this mask of lies. But i knew one thing that the mask wasn’t a sign of deception but instead it was a protection from the world. 

The world is armed, not with real weapons but words, and they had the potential to destroy my very divergence.

                   So, in life, you may not meet such a person who will come and tell you that it’s okay to be yourself, that you shouldn’t be afraid to be real. The thing is you will have to realise it yourself. And even though it may take time for you to discover who you are and know where you’re happiness really lies in, that’s perfectly fine because great things takes time to realise. The moment you realise you are worth the way you are just start living it up life the way you want to and don’t wait for anybody’s affirmation. People don’t have to accept you, you have to accept yourself. 

The one similarity we all have is our uniqueness.

 The world will always be vulnerable but don’t fall prey. I am sure you have immense strength in yourself. If i can believe in you then so can you, believe in yourself. 

The dawn of insecurities.

Today i felt like a storm of emotions collided into my heart. Yet this feeling made me hollow. Maybe today that i faced this reality that i found hard to absorb. My mind was empty yet i didn’t had space to suffice the truth. I always had a thing for honesty but for this once the candor felt like a sharp knife. It bruised but i didn’t bleed for that i was so lifeless. I was just a body floating on this universe, a flesh without the soul, a mind without the thought and a heart without the emotion. Yes, today i felt what its like to be nothing.

                The far i ran from it, the closer it haunted me back. I walked ahead and tried to leave them behind my footsteps but they were following me back leaving a trail of my own mess. It tried to shame me and it succeeded. It was anonymous until i gave it a name. Yes, today i got driven by my insecurities yet again.

            Always that i felt secured under my own skin but today is that i felt trapped. Maybe i was afraid to look beneath this skin for what i truly was. I was afraid from being different than how i looked myself in the mirror. I was afraid to deviate from my own reflection. For what my mirror reflected was just my body, if only it could reflect my mind. Maybe then for once i would have believed that i was beautiful. Yes, today i felt ashamed.

                    I felt lost yet again but today i failed to found myself. Maybe i was there somewhere but i failed to recognize. Because today i encountered reality and not my distorted perception about it. The distortion was deeply satisfying but it faded soon for that satisfaction was not what i deserved anymore. I deserved to know the truth irrespective if it was meant to be. I tried to see the good and bad but this entire act was hollow. For that there didn’t exist any such thing except for my subjective perception about the good and the bad. I became insane because sanity stopped making sense to me. Yes, today was the dawn which never transformed into my day. 

Escape

Sometimes in life you cannot take it, what life has offered to you. You want to escape for once and for all. The mental escape into a peaceful landscape. You want to free yourself from all the ties that hold you back and makes it harder for you to breathe the tranquil air. They said freedom is a state of mind. But they never said to what extent our mind will be in the state of power to feel the freedom which is not obvious to the eyes. 

               How unknowingly that you started fighting this war we call life. And fiercely that you realised it was more important to survive and keep fighting to make it to the end. But is it really the end that you keep struggling all the way? Is it that hope you keep up for an happy ending? I just want you to know that whatever you have struggled for is not just to end the suffering but to escape into a new beginning. Its not just the end that we live for, we live to begin and emerge into even more stronger. Things also end when you quit. So what differs your survival from quitting? The courage to move into another dimension of life.

 Your efforts are not just meant for the war to end but what is after the war that matters the most. You kept fighting for the peace, for entering into a complete new world where you leave your past behind. We never really get away with things, we just land into another. Our escape from one situation is like accepting the invitation for another one. 

                  This battle is not to just to win over hard days but to get your life back. And those scars, those scars will fade too. You will get the justice. But don’t wait for it, instead work for it.

Don’t accept the hostility that the world offers you, instead create your own world.

Mirage

Every day reveals something to you, like opening a little secret box everyday and taking step towards the clear picture of life. You meet people and you become a part of their lives, but how many do actually see through that life of other person? Have you ever realised how wrong can you be about someone. To what extent have you misjudged a person. 

                   We always compare our lives with others and find ourselve in this pool of disgrace, wet with our own expectation about life. Everybody’s life seems happening to us. It seems happening to our end because its a mirage, a mirage of our own perception regarding the other person. We keep building blocks of dreams until we realise we were only sleeping the whole time and now that we finally have to wake up. Our perception distorts the reality we live in. 

                You need to stop. You need to stop when you know you are building those dreamy expectations which cannot collide with your reality. Let your vibes be welcoming to the uncertainty of your life. Stay happy and positive.

Kick those blocks of expectations

The leap of faith

The one thing that a person wants from you is understanding. Have the level of understanding which is not obvious to your eyes. Some energy that you can feel so passionately that there exists no questions about trust. Be willing and have the courage to see the invisible because it has all the answer you were ever looking for. Make the person feel in a way that they never hesitate to share their darkest secrets with you. 

                You are not here to judge. You are here for the very purpose to acknowledge people of their worth. To make them feel how you want to be felt. Do those virtues to other that you expect others to do to you. People come into your life so that you can convey them the things they can’t convey to themselve. Your existence in somebody else’s life is a role play. Always try to be the special person who everybody loves. Be the solitaire of their life and see how your life becomes a treasure.

               There will be always someone who needs you. Don’t you ever think that you are not worth anybody’s need because people find it hard to express emotions when they cannot fathom those in their words.To see the visible, you need to see the invisible first. That is why you read people and you see beyond the visible to touch the bare truth, to feel every bit of it. Truth is considered brutal because people fail to catch the glimpse of its beauty. Your real strength lies in percieving the invisible. Take the leap of faith..

Cluster of feelings.

When the pain feels like pleasure and you want your heart to ache some more.

When you want to cry your heart out yet you decide to ignore.

When it gets hard to breathe feeling confined in those desperate thoughts.

When all you thought was tying heart to heart knots.

When times were so you felt dreamy and delirious.

When you realised you were only being needy and oblivious.

When you loved so much to give away the hate.

When you closed your eyes feeling tired enough to wait.

When the world was spinning but only one picture stood still.

When he held her hands yet against your will.

When you died a million times inside your mind.

When your soul wanted love, the hopeless kind.

When his happiness gave you a purpose to shine.

When in parellel universe you confessed him, “you are mine.”

Inside out.

We happen to know alot of people in our life, in various forms. Let them be our friends or family or just aquaintance or whatever we name it. People play a very unexpected, sometimes happening sometimes not, role in your life. In our living we try to know them inside out, we try to make out their personalities of what they show to us. But not everytime what they show to us is what they actually are, and certainly its not negative to show something and be something in some cases. But what forms pure evil is when you use this as a weapon. Using emotions against someone is just so devious, yet some people don’t mind being one. 

                 Maybe everybody is afraid to show their real self out to the world, feeling too vulnerable. People tend to fake it even if they hate being fake because even if we hate things we still have the potential to do it. Trust is what holds us from giving it away, whatever we have. Stronger minds have fragile hearts. The sinking feeling in your heart when the trust is broken is like a glass being shattered, loud enough to make you numb and sharp enough to hurt. You know why it is hard to trust again? Because nobody likes to commit a mistake twice, that’s what we were taught.

                Humans are a mystery. Only the individual knows what he is inside out, what is to be shown and what is to be kept hidden. If you have to reveal what’s in the mystery you will have to use trust as a key, and perhaps the person will let you in his head. But what happens when you get there? What happens when what’s outside contradicts what’s inside? The key disappears. The trust ceases to exist. 

                  What is to be deduced is that however close you might be to anybody there still exist the possiblity of you not knowing them inside out. But rather than questioning why the person didn’t show it enough, you should ask whether you have enough strength to see what he has to show. Because if you don’t then the mysteries will always be alive.