Paradox

When i think about paradox, I think about contradictions. How everything in life is contradicting to something and yet we choose to believe both. We want to take the leap of faith but with approval from our trust issue. We want to fly high but keep our feet grounded. We want to care but not give a damn. We are ready to feel powerful by giving away our self control. At some point of time in my life i used to think of above situations as a balance. The balance we desperately want in our lives. We want this but also that. We want more but not too much. I used to call this state a gentle balance of life. I struggled really hard to maintain it. My mind was constantly at war. It’s like you are walking on rope which is tied between two poles. You cannot afford to weigh a little less here or a little more there. And it’s exhausting! It’s awfully tiring thing to do.

So i figured, balance is bringing peace in life and my agenda was definitely wrong. Because i was not in a state of peace, i was in a state of war with myself, with my own belief. A war with oneself is never ending.

We want to think ourselves as schrödinger’s cat. I think it’s an excellent theory, not because what it says but because what it implies according to me. We want to be in quantum superposition, which means we want to be in multiple places at the same time. We want to be both dead and alive the way schrödinger believe the cat to be. But ofcourse, it’s a paradox. We cannot be both, we can be either. Either dead or either alive.

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(Un)Faithful

Do people mean what they say when they say it? Do they continue to mean it? These questions can only be answered when people actually understand what they are saying. Most of us don’t. We don’t know what we are talking about. We just say it because it sounds most likely in the given time. We don’t feel accountable to those words. We say it because it feels good, it feels right. And who doesn’t like to be good and right?

People change. They are different the second time you meet them. They change everyday. They learn new things, unlearn old ones. We want others to stay the same because we have developed this comfort zone with their old self and we call their old self as their original one because that is the part of them we are friends with .’Original’ is something that never fades out i’ve heard. ‘Original’ is real i’ve heard. So when we change, do we become fake? Are we not real enough?

Well, we are real, as real as we can get. But we are not faithful, not enough to stick to our own words, to stick to our old self. We can never explain why we change because we cannot make someone else learn and unlearn what we did. Their life has a different meaning, they are not supposed to change the same way we did. That is why no one understands why we changed because they don’t have to.

So, we are real but unfaithful. And just to balance out the faith we become unreal so many times. We compromise, we try to be the same, we try to be what other people want us to be and that definitely makes us fake but we don’t care because we put faith first even if it comes at the cost of our new reality.

Black hole.

The thing about old toys and humans is that you have to let them go when the time comes. Not because they have worn out, not because you stop loving them, but because you have to grow up.

I like being a child. I can be a child forever. It’s like being a child gives you this advantage of commiting a mistake under the name of experience. You are learning and so you will commit a mistake and that is all right until you feel guilty and improvise. But being an adult is like aiming for perfection. You cannot afford to commit a mistake. Being adult is like being on a full time probation. You are always being watched over. Your karma is all set to ruin you once you do something wrong. I know that karma works otherwise as well, even when we are young. But the damage done in adulthood feels irrepairable. It’s like you feel too much pain and there is no remedy that can heal you. There is this part of being mature, we tend to understand things better. We understand our feelings better, the bad ones too.

When you are a kid, crying is a way of getting things done. You cry and you get what you want because no one wants to see you getting hurt. No one wants you to suffer. They want you believe that you will get whatever you yearn for, that nothing is impossible to get. They lie. They teach us to live in denial. And right after reality hit us, we realise that we don’t get everything we want. We cannot have what we cry for. Infact that is why we cry for the most because we realise we don’t have the kind of control over life that we once anticipated.

This transition from childhood to adulthood is like going through a black hole. Your old self disappears without a trace and you keep searching for it endlessly. It’s an entire different universe. You cannot survive in it unless you unlearn. Unlearn things that contradicts with this universe.

It takes power to absorb reality. Power lies in control, and the only control we can have is on our self.

Self control makes us the master of our life. But that is only the partial truth. Because if there is a master, there is a slave. And if we are the master then we must not forget it makes us the slave as well. Slaves to self-pity. Pity of not being able to control ourselves and our life. Perhaps why we feel so powerless sometimes, when our slave-self takes over the master. We become slaves to our own world of control and power. And it’s all too dark. Just like the black hole.

Let us not pity ourselves. Let us not become slaves to our self pity.

One tear at a time.

So i have been told

I will suffer until i am bold,

I try to heal my cuts

Forcing caffiene in my guts,

If only i’d knew

My penance was overdue,

Would have never asked for a day

Only with the night i’d stay

Chasing reasons for my pain,

Breaking the endless chain

Of laughter and tears,

And my magnificent fears.

Intoxicated

Hate is said to be one of the powerful emotions a human feel. You know when we are in this state of hate, we really get consumed by it. We temporarily forget the good in us. We completely give us to it because somehow it makes us feel stronger and gives us a certain satisfaction which ‘holding on to love’ fails to give. When we hate we don’t really feel helpless anymore because hate opens the gate of violence. Now in this state of mind we think we are free to act aggressively because we are no more accountable to our guilty conscience. We become a complete different person. A person who has hatred in him will have only one answer to every question and only one reaction to every event, which is revenge. This energy that flows through you, this hate, it makes you less of human and more of demonic creature.

It’s all so fascinating in the beginning, giving yourself to the darker side of life but the truth is there is no life on the dark side. It’s just an endless remorse.

And once you get swallowed by that, you will never find an escape for your guilt. 

                   It feels so hard to keep looking for good in a person who made you suffer, to keep holding on and to keep hoping that someday your life will change too, that you deserve good days and a happy life. But who are we kidding to? We spend years hoping that, we spend years to see a shooting star so that we can finally wish for the one thing that we want but we never really get a chance. This all is little too unacceptable for a soul but what choice do we have? 

             They say the choices we make in our life, makes our life.

 So, when the ruptured soul becomes too tired of waiting for a shooting star, the only thing he sees in the sky is flames of exasperation. We give in to hate because it gives us a reason to live. Hate is a lighter toxic than the reason to hate. Sweetest poison, isn’t it? But no matter how sweet it is, it’s still the posion which kills you slowly without you realising it.

                    It’s so twisted, to justify hate but choose to refuse it. 

We have all reasons to hate but what after that? Does hate gives you the life you wish from a shooting star? No, it doesn’t. When you had the faith in humanity, did you hoped for a life where no good exist? Hate might satisfy your thirst for revenge but it will never fulfill the thirst for love. Don’t you forget that all you wanted before hate was love. 

                     Don’t let the evil inside you overpower your will to see the good in the world. We tend to shut our eyes when we are afraid. Maybe it’s time to open them and see how life balances out everything.

Our hypothetical standards.

We are the hypocrites that we judge. Sometimes in life we contradict with ourselves. We judge someone for something and that something is present in us too. But we are too afraid to face that reality and our belief, our judgement becomes hypocrisy. Unintentionally we end up judging our own self. What is worse than judging your own self?

                   Its very hard to accept the bad that we do because we always want to be someone good. Someone that everybody falls in love with. We want everybody to love us the way we do to ourself. But sometimes we reach to the level of hypocrisy where we cannot face our self. We feel the good in us is lost because our judgements have overpowered our ability to be kind.

                  Basically, we raise the standards of what ‘good’ means for us. We keep the parameter high, always. Because we want to be the epitome of kindness and we always try to reach those standards and benchmark that we create for ourselves. Its not negative to create standards but the practicality of the situation is lost when you think you should and you must attain those benchmarks. You need to be practical enough to think that our standards for ourselves are hypothetical. We cannot always be up to the mark. We are never meant to. You are driven by the sanity in you to become this good human being. But we cannot be good always, atleast not to everybody, and not everytime. 

                      We become the hypocrites because we judge ourselves on basis of those hypothetical standards. Infact we judge everybody based on those standards because that is our little theory of ideal life. Its okay to not achieve the highs in your life. Its okay to fail. Its okay to be ashamed for facing yourself for that you are a human too. Its natural. You need to forgive yourself. You can be everything but perfect, because perfection is as hypothetical as your standards are.

Puzzled

We all think that our world is a jigsaw puzzle and each of us is a piece of the same. We try to find our match, we try our best to fit in perfectly for the jigsaw to complete and yes it looks beautiful. But then how accurate are we? How accurate is this comparison of world with a jigsaw puzzle? 

                    When i was a kid, i was desperate to be the person i see in others. To like what they like, to be able to comprehend things the way they do, to portray myself the way others carry themselves and to put up what the world has to offer. Like living a double life, when in the crowd i used to pretend to be like them, i would react the way they expected me to, laugh on the jokes i never found funny, talking about other person’s life even though i was not interested to,pretending to hate someone i was not intended to and lot such things. I was afraid i was not doing it right because all these things were supposed to bring me pleasure just like they did to others but matter-o-factly it made me unhappy. When i used to sleep at night i would feel sorry for talking something i would never mean, i was obviously lying. And whoever said this was right – “You can lie to everybody but yourself”. I was afraid that i was different. I had alot to realise back then, i had to hear this “It’s okay to be different” and not just hear but absorb it in my heart. But there was nobody to say it and i was not aware that, to free myself i will have to accept who i am. Constantly making an effort to fit in because i was not ready to discover who i really was beneath this mask of lies. But i knew one thing that the mask wasn’t a sign of deception but instead it was a protection from the world. 

The world is armed, not with real weapons but words, and they had the potential to destroy my very divergence.

                   So, in life, you may not meet such a person who will come and tell you that it’s okay to be yourself, that you shouldn’t be afraid to be real. The thing is you will have to realise it yourself. And even though it may take time for you to discover who you are and know where you’re happiness really lies in, that’s perfectly fine because great things takes time to realise. The moment you realise you are worth the way you are just start living it up life the way you want to and don’t wait for anybody’s affirmation. People don’t have to accept you, you have to accept yourself. 

The one similarity we all have is our uniqueness.

 The world will always be vulnerable but don’t fall prey. I am sure you have immense strength in yourself. If i can believe in you then so can you, believe in yourself. 

The dawn of insecurities.

Today i felt like a storm of emotions collided into my heart. Yet this feeling made me hollow. Maybe today that i faced this reality that i found hard to absorb. My mind was empty yet i didn’t had space to suffice the truth. I always had a thing for honesty but for this once the candor felt like a sharp knife. It bruised but i didn’t bleed for that i was so lifeless. I was just a body floating on this universe, a flesh without the soul, a mind without the thought and a heart without the emotion. Yes, today i felt what its like to be nothing.

                The far i ran from it, the closer it haunted me back. I walked ahead and tried to leave them behind my footsteps but they were following me back leaving a trail of my own mess. It tried to shame me and it succeeded. It was anonymous until i gave it a name. Yes, today i got driven by my insecurities yet again.

            Always that i felt secured under my own skin but today is that i felt trapped. Maybe i was afraid to look beneath this skin for what i truly was. I was afraid from being different than how i looked myself in the mirror. I was afraid to deviate from my own reflection. For what my mirror reflected was just my body, if only it could reflect my mind. Maybe then for once i would have believed that i was beautiful. Yes, today i felt ashamed.

                    I felt lost yet again but today i failed to found myself. Maybe i was there somewhere but i failed to recognize. Because today i encountered reality and not my distorted perception about it. The distortion was deeply satisfying but it faded soon for that satisfaction was not what i deserved anymore. I deserved to know the truth irrespective if it was meant to be. I tried to see the good and bad but this entire act was hollow. For that there didn’t exist any such thing except for my subjective perception about the good and the bad. I became insane because sanity stopped making sense to me. Yes, today was the dawn which never transformed into my day. 

Escape

Sometimes in life you cannot take it, what life has offered to you. You want to escape for once and for all. The mental escape into a peaceful landscape. You want to free yourself from all the ties that hold you back and makes it harder for you to breathe the tranquil air. They said freedom is a state of mind. But they never said to what extent our mind will be in the state of power to feel the freedom which is not obvious to the eyes. 

               How unknowingly that you started fighting this war we call life. And fiercely that you realised it was more important to survive and keep fighting to make it to the end. But is it really the end that you keep struggling all the way? Is it that hope you keep up for an happy ending? I just want you to know that whatever you have struggled for is not just to end the suffering but to escape into a new beginning. Its not just the end that we live for, we live to begin and emerge into even more stronger. Things also end when you quit. So what differs your survival from quitting? The courage to move into another dimension of life.

 Your efforts are not just meant for the war to end but what is after the war that matters the most. You kept fighting for the peace, for entering into a complete new world where you leave your past behind. We never really get away with things, we just land into another. Our escape from one situation is like accepting the invitation for another one. 

                  This battle is not to just to win over hard days but to get your life back. And those scars, those scars will fade too. You will get the justice. But don’t wait for it, instead work for it.

Don’t accept the hostility that the world offers you, instead create your own world.

Mirage

Every day reveals something to you, like opening a little secret box everyday and taking step towards the clear picture of life. You meet people and you become a part of their lives, but how many do actually see through that life of other person? Have you ever realised how wrong can you be about someone. To what extent have you misjudged a person. 

                   We always compare our lives with others and find ourselve in this pool of disgrace, wet with our own expectation about life. Everybody’s life seems happening to us. It seems happening to our end because its a mirage, a mirage of our own perception regarding the other person. We keep building blocks of dreams until we realise we were only sleeping the whole time and now that we finally have to wake up. Our perception distorts the reality we live in. 

                You need to stop. You need to stop when you know you are building those dreamy expectations which cannot collide with your reality. Let your vibes be welcoming to the uncertainty of your life. Stay happy and positive.

Kick those blocks of expectations