Interrogating life.

There are days when i face emotional setbacks and i don’t know where to go. Today i was talking with my friends as to how far we have to go to end this suffering, how hard do we hold on and what do we hold on to? There was nothing we could come up with and we were all kind of frustrated and pretty much devastated about the situation we were into. Suddenly the car keys slips out of friend’s hand and ends up in a sewer. That was like the cherry on the cake! We were stuck in the middle of nowhere with our keys stuck in a little sewer and the openings were so narrow that we couldn’t put our hands into it. As a very frustrated human being, my friend started crying and questioning as to why everything in her life was falling apart, nothing was going right. We were analysing of what we could do to get out of this impossible situation. We were really hopeless but my friend (who lost her keys) was really desperate to get the keys out, so she tried her last shot and got herself a twig and started poking the keys to somehow lift it up. My other friend and me were quite confident as to why the twig thing was not helpful although we were supporting the act. A man stopped by us and noticed what we were doing and then he asked us what went wrong so we told him the story. He offered us help so we accepted that. He went pass by the tree and broke the thinnest twig and rolled the end into a knot that could fit the keychain of the keys. He inserted that into the sewer hole and after few attempts he managed to get our keys out. We were all taken aback! We started thanking him and he just kept murming ‘God is great’ and then he left. I was wondering that such people really restore my faith in humanity. A complete stranger helps us out of a situation we nearly thought as impossible. 

That was the moment when i realised that i got my answers to the questions i asked before. How far do we have to go to end the suffering? We have to go to as far as we can, as far as we get kicked in a curb full of dirt, as far as we have the strength to live the hard days. How hard do we hold on? We hold on until we don’t lift ourselves from the tragedy. What do we hold on to? We hold on to the possibilities our life offer to us because ‘God is great’. 

People we meet cross our paths for this very reason, they are nothing but a mere medium for answers. Life will revert back to your questions. Go look for your answers, my friend!

                 

Trust issue.

I am quite a hardcore believer of the fact that A private life is a happy life. Not that i don’t want to share things with people around me but i think there are certain pre-conditions of opening up to someone. The first question that always comes to my mind is How do i trust this person?

We all have faced such situation when we share something to someone and instantly regret. So when it comes to sharing the deepest secrets or stories of your past, the concern is the trust you invest in someone, that the person will remain faithful to you and will not use your secrets as a weapon against you to make you feel how miserable your life is. You already know how your life is, you just need a person to reassure you that things will get better, to make you realise your strength instead on fixating on your weaknesses. 

                   The panic trigger of spilling our beans is about our weakness. We are too afraid to expose our weak side to anybody. Therefore we always choose such a person who cares enough about us and the fact that the person gives a damn about how we feel. I don’t know how people started to behave with this ‘not giving a damn’ attitude to almost every situation in their life. We need to realise that certain things are crucial in our life and they need our attention. You cannot escape your responsibilties by saying that you don’t care. It is really hard to find someone who is mature enough to deal with what you have to say. Immaturity has become quite the trend. 

               Nevertheless, even if you open up to someone and you still feel insecured about it, just remember that you are still the person who gets to dictate the terms of life. The person who knows your story doesn’t become the protagonist of it. The person is still a spectator and you can always manipulate the script and take charge of your life. We all make mistakes and sometimes our mistake is choosing the wrong person to talk about our mistakes. Some people are going to make you feel worse about what you did and on the contrary some are going to cheer you up. But then the most powerful card you can play is self-realisation. 

                     If you are not the person who likes to share things with others and who believes into having a private life, find a way you can release your emotions into. You don’t have to wait for the right person to come along for things in your life to get better. You can start with doing what you like. We all are passionate about somethings or other. Human beings are quite the talented species i believe. You can write you emotions, you can play them, you can sing them, you can kick them and also you can cry them. And if one day you feel that it is very necessary to talk and let out your anger, sorrow and regret, i am sure there is someone in your life that you trust with your insecurities. That person will never judge you. All you gotta do is give a shot. If things go wrong then we are back again at becoming humans and commiting mistakes!

Take a pause.

There are so many times when we feel completely helpless, like we want to act on the situation but there is something which is holding us back. Might as well that something is your belief that whatever you are going to do is of no use, you have lost the control over the situation. Everytime we think of an action we always think about it’s consequence and every action has a different outcome but when i talk about being helpless, the one thing that comes to my mind is the consequence is ultimate. That is what helpless feels like, no matter how many different actions you take, the outcome is going to be the same. So when you know that nothing good comes from your efforts you just sit back and take time to absorb the reality. As hard it is for you to take in the information and living with your helplessness, for as long as it continues, it is equally hard for people around you to accept the truth. 

                      People often mistake ‘being practical’ as ‘being pessimistic’. When i am in such situation where i know it’s not happening the way it should be, i choose to take a pause to realise that i need a different approach to deal with this. So, everybody needs there own ‘good time’ to realise how to deal with a situation. The good time always vary and it’s relative as to how comfortable you are with your approach. Meanwhile, people around you are going to tell you that it’s a negative approach because to the world it may seem like you are giving up. The world we live in has a habit to see things constantly moving, when there is a pause they think something is wrong. The thing is, do not waste your time in explaining the world about the steps you are going to take, instead work on the execution of your masterplan. There is always a master plan and you are the master. 

                      We are so used to going through other people to convince our own self that whenever we as an individual think of something, we always need an affirmation from someone we are close to. Just to make sure we are doing it right and incase we fall there is always someone to have our back. The problem is we don’t trust ourselves enough to execute something without a heads up from someone else. As much as you are unaware of your future, everybody else is too. 

                      If what you want is going in a wrong way or is not going in any way at all, just take a pause to realise, to update yourself with the facts of the situation. Your potential is always constant, you just need a different approach. If one approach doesn’t work then there are infinite such approaches. Taking time doesn’t mean giving up. A pause can always be played. Don’t feel competitive that people around you are moving forward and on the contrary you are stuck. Comparison is always going to make you feel sick because you are too modest to accept your greatness. The people around you are exploring their path and you are exploring yours and since the two paths are different, the time to reach your destination is obviously going to differ. There is no need to justify someone as long as you know what you are doing. Have faith in yourself. Don’t let anything else consume your will power to become what you want. No consequence is ultimate as long as future is unpredictable.

                     

Influence

Constantly tormented between giving up and holding on. I wish life was as easy as we imagine it to be. Every step we take leading us to another, taking us higher, until we reach the door to our destination. But what happens when we realise that there is no such door and the steps were not taking us any higher but we were walking on the same surface, like running on a treadmill, reaching no where. So, in such a situation i wonder whether to look for steps that would lead me higher or to go back downstairs and look for some other path.

                     I don’t know how many people understand this but when we have two choices to make, there is no right or wrong. It’s all about taking chances. Every choice opens a different door, and none of the path collides with one another. Our choice making is so much dependent on the world that revolves around us. We always make an effort to be faithful to the world’s expectations about us that we end up making choices which are unfaithful to us. Everybody is going to tell you that “It’s your life and you get to decide what you want to do. We always have your back”. But the truth is more than half of them won’t be standing to their words when they realise you made a bad choice. Because whenever they say “You get to decide whatever you want”, there is always this assumption that you won’t screw up. Aren’t we all the ‘positive’ people who never hope for things to go wrong? When things go wrong, before making it right, we freak out and freak everybody else out too.  

Other than people freaking out on our bad decision making, the other reason of our influenced choices is appreciation. I’d lie if i say that appreciation doesn’t give me pleasure. It’s very crucial to be appreciated for whatever we do because it makes us realise a lot of things. How do we know that our passion is our passion? Appreciation. We always need somebody else to reassure that we are doing it right because we cannot be the critics of our life. The significance is very charming but also very addictive. We stop living for ourselves and everything we do, we do for others. We are so desperate to be appreciated and liked, it becomes the purpose of our life. Giving in to this temptation we really forget how far we’ve gone past the line of sobriety. The thing is, draw a line when you know where to stop, when you know you are sacrificing your authenticity. You have become nothing but a slave to the world’s expectations. Even though people matter a lot and they teach us many things, it’s not always necessary to do what they want us to do. You can choose what makes you happy because everybody else gets to choose their happiness too. It’s fair to do what satisfies us. You are not being unfaithful to others just because you are not fulfilling their expectations. You are just being faithful to yourself. It takes time for everyone to realise why you do what you do. They will be mad at you for a brief moment but not forever. The only way you give justice to your dreams is not letting them get influenced by the world. 

Intoxicated

Hate is said to be one of the powerful emotions a human feel. You know when we are in this state of hate, we really get consumed by it. We temporarily forget the good in us. We completely give us to it because somehow it makes us feel stronger and gives us a certain satisfaction which ‘holding on to love’ fails to give. When we hate we don’t really feel helpless anymore because hate opens the gate of violence. Now in this state of mind we think we are free to act aggressively because we are no more accountable to our guilty conscience. We become a complete different person. A person who has hatred in him will have only one answer to every question and only one reaction to every event, which is revenge. This energy that flows through you, this hate, it makes you less of human and more of demonic creature.

It’s all so fascinating in the beginning, giving yourself to the darker side of life but the truth is there is no life on the dark side. It’s just an endless remorse.

And once you get swallowed by that, you will never find an escape for your guilt. 

                   It feels so hard to keep looking for good in a person who made you suffer, to keep holding on and to keep hoping that someday your life will change too, that you deserve good days and a happy life. But who are we kidding to? We spend years hoping that, we spend years to see a shooting star so that we can finally wish for the one thing that we want but we never really get a chance. This all is little too unacceptable for a soul but what choice do we have? 

             They say the choices we make in our life, makes our life.

 So, when the ruptured soul becomes too tired of waiting for a shooting star, the only thing he sees in the sky is flames of exasperation. We give in to hate because it gives us a reason to live. Hate is a lighter toxic than the reason to hate. Sweetest poison, isn’t it? But no matter how sweet it is, it’s still the posion which kills you slowly without you realising it.

                    It’s so twisted, to justify hate but choose to refuse it. 

We have all reasons to hate but what after that? Does hate gives you the life you wish from a shooting star? No, it doesn’t. When you had the faith in humanity, did you hoped for a life where no good exist? Hate might satisfy your thirst for revenge but it will never fulfill the thirst for love. Don’t you forget that all you wanted before hate was love. 

                     Don’t let the evil inside you overpower your will to see the good in the world. We tend to shut our eyes when we are afraid. Maybe it’s time to open them and see how life balances out everything.

Our hypothetical standards.

We are the hypocrites that we judge. Sometimes in life we contradict with ourselves. We judge someone for something and that something is present in us too. But we are too afraid to face that reality and our belief, our judgement becomes hypocrisy. Unintentionally we end up judging our own self. What is worse than judging your own self?

                   Its very hard to accept the bad that we do because we always want to be someone good. Someone that everybody falls in love with. We want everybody to love us the way we do to ourself. But sometimes we reach to the level of hypocrisy where we cannot face our self. We feel the good in us is lost because our judgements have overpowered our ability to be kind.

                  Basically, we raise the standards of what ‘good’ means for us. We keep the parameter high, always. Because we want to be the epitome of kindness and we always try to reach those standards and benchmark that we create for ourselves. Its not negative to create standards but the practicality of the situation is lost when you think you should and you must attain those benchmarks. You need to be practical enough to think that our standards for ourselves are hypothetical. We cannot always be up to the mark. We are never meant to. You are driven by the sanity in you to become this good human being. But we cannot be good always, atleast not to everybody, and not everytime. 

                      We become the hypocrites because we judge ourselves on basis of those hypothetical standards. Infact we judge everybody based on those standards because that is our little theory of ideal life. Its okay to not achieve the highs in your life. Its okay to fail. Its okay to be ashamed for facing yourself for that you are a human too. Its natural. You need to forgive yourself. You can be everything but perfect, because perfection is as hypothetical as your standards are.

Puzzled

We all think that our world is a jigsaw puzzle and each of us is a piece of the same. We try to find our match, we try our best to fit in perfectly for the jigsaw to complete and yes it looks beautiful. But then how accurate are we? How accurate is this comparison of world with a jigsaw puzzle? 

                    When i was a kid, i was desperate to be the person i see in others. To like what they like, to be able to comprehend things the way they do, to portray myself the way others carry themselves and to put up what the world has to offer. Like living a double life, when in the crowd i used to pretend to be like them, i would react the way they expected me to, laugh on the jokes i never found funny, talking about other person’s life even though i was not interested to,pretending to hate someone i was not intended to and lot such things. I was afraid i was not doing it right because all these things were supposed to bring me pleasure just like they did to others but matter-o-factly it made me unhappy. When i used to sleep at night i would feel sorry for talking something i would never mean, i was obviously lying. And whoever said this was right – “You can lie to everybody but yourself”. I was afraid that i was different. I had alot to realise back then, i had to hear this “It’s okay to be different” and not just hear but absorb it in my heart. But there was nobody to say it and i was not aware that, to free myself i will have to accept who i am. Constantly making an effort to fit in because i was not ready to discover who i really was beneath this mask of lies. But i knew one thing that the mask wasn’t a sign of deception but instead it was a protection from the world. 

The world is armed, not with real weapons but words, and they had the potential to destroy my very divergence.

                   So, in life, you may not meet such a person who will come and tell you that it’s okay to be yourself, that you shouldn’t be afraid to be real. The thing is you will have to realise it yourself. And even though it may take time for you to discover who you are and know where you’re happiness really lies in, that’s perfectly fine because great things takes time to realise. The moment you realise you are worth the way you are just start living it up life the way you want to and don’t wait for anybody’s affirmation. People don’t have to accept you, you have to accept yourself. 

The one similarity we all have is our uniqueness.

 The world will always be vulnerable but don’t fall prey. I am sure you have immense strength in yourself. If i can believe in you then so can you, believe in yourself.