When i think about paradox, I think about contradictions. How everything in life is contradicting to something and yet we choose to believe both. We want to take the leap of faith but with approval from our trust issue. We want to fly high but keep our feet grounded. We want to care but not give a damn. We are ready to feel powerful by giving away our self control. At some point of time in my life i used to think of above situations as a balance. The balance we desperately want in our lives. We want this but also that. We want more but not too much. I used to call this state a gentle balance of life. I struggled really hard to maintain it. My mind was constantly at war. It’s like you are walking on rope which is tied between two poles. You cannot afford to weigh a little less here or a little more there. And it’s exhausting! It’s awfully tiring thing to do.
So i figured, balance is bringing peace in life and my agenda was definitely wrong. Because i was not in a state of peace, i was in a state of war with myself, with my own belief. A war with oneself is never ending.
We want to think ourselves as schrödinger’s cat. I think it’s an excellent theory, not because what it says but because what it implies according to me. We want to be in quantum superposition, which means we want to be in multiple places at the same time. We want to be both dead and alive the way schrödinger believe the cat to be. But ofcourse, it’s a paradox. We cannot be both, we can be either. Either dead or either alive.
Your presence made this world a better place
But now that you are gone, it’s no more than a disgrace
I’ve been scarred ever since i was eleven
I wish you’d take me with you, all the way to heaven
I did see it coming but i was not so clever
Too late i realised, you weren’t going for now but forever
You are resting like always but i hope this time it’s in peace
Until next time when life gives you another lease.
Do people mean what they say when they say it? Do they continue to mean it? These questions can only be answered when people actually understand what they are saying. Most of us don’t. We don’t know what we are talking about. We just say it because it sounds most likely in the given time. We don’t feel accountable to those words. We say it because it feels good, it feels right. And who doesn’t like to be good and right?
People change. They are different the second time you meet them. They change everyday. They learn new things, unlearn old ones. We want others to stay the same because we have developed this comfort zone with their old self and we call their old self as their original one because that is the part of them we are friends with .’Original’ is something that never fades out i’ve heard. ‘Original’ is real i’ve heard. So when we change, do we become fake? Are we not real enough?
Well, we are real, as real as we can get. But we are not faithful, not enough to stick to our own words, to stick to our old self. We can never explain why we change because we cannot make someone else learn and unlearn what we did. Their life has a different meaning, they are not supposed to change the same way we did. That is why no one understands why we changed because they don’t have to.
So, we are real but unfaithful. And just to balance out the faith we become unreal so many times. We compromise, we try to be the same, we try to be what other people want us to be and that definitely makes us fake but we don’t care because we put faith first even if it comes at the cost of our new reality.
I have gone too far
Pretending everything to be fine
Now there is no turning back
I am far past the line
My heart is heavy
And my mind is sappy
But who do i tell?
For them, i am happy
I have so much to speak
But not what you want to hear
If only you could listen
What i don’t say, my dear.
If i fail to endure,
Just remember i tried.
Not enough to be called a survivor
But enough to be called a warrior.
The thing about old toys and humans is that you have to let them go when the time comes. Not because they have worn out, not because you stop loving them, but because you have to grow up.
I like being a child. I can be a child forever. It’s like being a child gives you this advantage of commiting a mistake under the name of experience. You are learning and so you will commit a mistake and that is all right until you feel guilty and improvise. But being an adult is like aiming for perfection. You cannot afford to commit a mistake. Being adult is like being on a full time probation. You are always being watched over. Your karma is all set to ruin you once you do something wrong. I know that karma works otherwise as well, even when we are young. But the damage done in adulthood feels irrepairable. It’s like you feel too much pain and there is no remedy that can heal you. There is this part of being mature, we tend to understand things better. We understand our feelings better, the bad ones too.
When you are a kid, crying is a way of getting things done. You cry and you get what you want because no one wants to see you getting hurt. No one wants you to suffer. They want you believe that you will get whatever you yearn for, that nothing is impossible to get. They lie. They teach us to live in denial. And right after reality hit us, we realise that we don’t get everything we want. We cannot have what we cry for. Infact that is why we cry for the most because we realise we don’t have the kind of control over life that we once anticipated.
This transition from childhood to adulthood is like going through a black hole. Your old self disappears without a trace and you keep searching for it endlessly. It’s an entire different universe. You cannot survive in it unless you unlearn. Unlearn things that contradicts with this universe.
It takes power to absorb reality. Power lies in control, and the only control we can have is on our self.
Self control makes us the master of our life. But that is only the partial truth. Because if there is a master, there is a slave. And if we are the master then we must not forget it makes us the slave as well. Slaves to self-pity. Pity of not being able to control ourselves and our life. Perhaps why we feel so powerless sometimes, when our slave-self takes over the master. We become slaves to our own world of control and power. And it’s all too dark. Just like the black hole.
Let us not pity ourselves. Let us not become slaves to our self pity.
I believe this is the advice people offer confidently and, in abundance. You must have heard these powerful words ringing in your ears or infact you must be the person saying it often. They do magic, be it for some fraction of time until it’s effect diminishes, but they work most definitely. I am not denying what these words can do. But i believe the way people percieve it is contradicting in certain ways.
You don’t want to care but you want people to care about you, you want to be heard and considered. How do you think that is going to happen if you enforce not caring about people and their thoughts? You feel offended about someone’s opinion and you declare that the person is not worth caring about. Have you imagined how many people think the same about you, have you realised how many people have you offended? It’s endless you know, you do that to others and others do it to you and then you wonder why you have less friends, you wonder why people have become selfish but you never wonder that you are one of those people. There are times we feel lonely even when we are surrounded with crowd and it’s a terrible, terrible feeling. You know why? Because when you realise that people don’t care about you, about who you are, you feel extremely worthless and left out.
The truth is, we have failed to distinguish when to care and when to not. We have completely restricted ourselves to who we care for because we are afraid we will get hurt. You can care and still not get hurt. And that is possible if you care unconditionally, without expecting the other person to care back. No, you will not be a loser if you give a damn. You will be one of those people who make the world a better place to live. You will certainly redefine generosity. Just imagine if someone does that for you. Now would you want to do the same for someone else?
It sits right in the middle of my chest. Slowly crawling it’s way up to my throat, making me suffocate. It’s hard to breathe but i do it anyway. I inhale sharply to the rhythm of air and try to exhale slowly. Oh how i wish that to work! I feel all the more nauseous. But that’s the thing about it, you cannot puke it out and neither can you swallow. It settles like a lump down your throat. If you can relate, you obviously know what i am talking about.
I don’t know what makes anxiety worse, is it the feeling itself or is it about acknowledging the feeling as one. Because once you realise you have it, you percieve it as a problem which cannot be solved. For a moment you are just fine and next you are sweating and feeling extremely vulnerable out of nowhere. They say it’s hard to describe what you feel but it’s not that way. You can describe what you feel but when you are in that moment, you are feeling so many emotions all at once that you fall short of time (not words). You can describe it best when you are actually feeling it because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good and you don’t want to bring it back by writing about it.
It’s like a trauma that hits you in waves. Sometimes they are so strong that they take you with it and you are not present in the moment anymore. You are struggling to breathe and come back to reality but you fail. Sometimes they are weak and pass easily and you are back to being ‘you’, feeling a lot better. It’s exhausting and sometimes even sleeping doesn’t help.
Sometimes you feel to be around people to feel less lonely and sometimes your solitude does the healing and the last thing you want to do is breathe the same air as someone else. Anxiety is high maintenance i tell you! But it does teaches you patience. Feeling lifeless teaches you a lot of patience.
It’s never enough to talk about anxiety. It’s all the same and yet so different every time you experience it.
It’s at night
When my heart aches the most
Yes, i can feel every inch of the pain
Radiating in my nerves
Touching those remote corners
I’ve lately been aquainted to;
It’s not until the wave hits me
That i become aware of my breathing
It starts off heavy
Getting shallow as the reality sink
When my eyes stink
Letting go off the memories
Until it finally ceases
Putting me to sleep
And just when i feel so dead
I wake up with the dread
Wondering was it tears or sweat
That made my pillow so awfully wet.
We all fear judgements, well atleast most of us do. There is this voice inside us which tries to be a counsellor and rationalize our fear by analyzing things to make us aware of the fact that our fear is unreal, that we need not be scared because what our head has created doesn’t exist in reality. But how long does the counselling effect stays with us? Also, how often do we listen to this voice?
There are times when our weakest emotion overpower our strong will. Ironic much. It is justified because we cannot be strong every second of our life. Infact one must know what weakness feels like in order to distinguish what strength feels like. Weakness is nothing but feeling helpless. There is this fine line which our mind crosses while analysing the logic behind our fears. And when that happens we actually become the person we are scared of.
For instance, when we are scared of judgements we actually remind ourselves of every possible judgement anyone can pass on us in that particular time period. Now that our mind knows the extent of humiliation that may potentially exist, we believe it to be happening even when we truly don’t know what is going inside other person’s head. We go past the point of analysing to the extent that we convince ourselves with the worst outcome in the best possible way. Another irony. What truly happens is, we judge our own self. We become the judgemental person we are scared of.
It doesn’t take much for the counsellor inside us to perform the ‘out of body’ function of becoming a self-critic which only offers negative criticism. There is no trick about how to stop thinking because the harder you try not to, the more it grows on you. You can read numerous articles and try numerous things but it will only work if you want it to. Not easy as it sounds. Because ofcourse why won’t a person want to feel better? That is what you think. But certainly not your unconscious. Our mind is so desperate to get better, to stop overthinking, that it becomes so foggy with all the things we do to make it calm. We take so many efforts all at once that none of it works out and then we feel bad because the outcome is pretty undesirable. This eventually leads to losing all the hopes to get better.
You don’t have to worry about anything. And certainly not about why you can’t stop worrying. Calm is not an easy act to pull off. But all you got to know is it’s effortless. No one can teach you how to be calm because it’s something only we can achieve on our own. It’s when you are weak that you have the best opportunity to become a calm person because we are the most desperate in our weak times. We are desperate to become strong and that is where our strength lies. And you won’t even realise how naturally you will emerge as a stronger human being when you stop punishing yourself by pushing harder for faster and effective results. You are never powerless because your mind can think what you want it to think. It can be your best critic if you want it to be. It’s all natural. It’s all inside you. Just breathe and be.