I have gone too far

Pretending everything to be fine

Now there is no turning back

I am far past the line

My heart is heavy

And my mind is sappy

But who do i tell?

For them, i am happy

I have so much to speak

But not what you want to hear

If only you could listen

What i don’t say, my dear.


Black hole.

The thing about old toys and humans is that you have to let them go when the time comes. Not because they have worn out, not because you stop loving them, but because you have to grow up.

I like being a child. I can be a child forever. It’s like being a child gives you this advantage of commiting a mistake under the name of experience. You are learning and so you will commit a mistake and that is all right until you feel guilty and improvise. But being an adult is like aiming for perfection. You cannot afford to commit a mistake. Being adult is like being on a full time probation. You are always being watched over. Your karma is all set to ruin you once you do something wrong. I know that karma works otherwise as well, even when we are young. But the damage done in adulthood feels irrepairable. It’s like you feel too much pain and there is no remedy that can heal you. There is this part of being mature, we tend to understand things better. We understand our feelings better, the bad ones too.

When you are a kid, crying is a way of getting things done. You cry and you get what you want because no one wants to see you getting hurt. No one wants you to suffer. They want you believe that you will get whatever you yearn for, that nothing is impossible to get. They lie. They teach us to live in denial. And right after reality hit us, we realise that we don’t get everything we want. We cannot have what we cry for. Infact that is why we cry for the most because we realise we don’t have the kind of control over life that we once anticipated.

This transition from childhood to adulthood is like going through a black hole. Your old self disappears without a trace and you keep searching for it endlessly. It’s an entire different universe. You cannot survive in it unless you unlearn. Unlearn things that contradicts with this universe.

It takes power to absorb reality. Power lies in control, and the only control we can have is on our self.

Self control makes us the master of our life. But that is only the partial truth. Because if there is a master, there is a slave. And if we are the master then we must not forget it makes us the slave as well. Slaves to self-pity. Pity of not being able to control ourselves and our life. Perhaps why we feel so powerless sometimes, when our slave-self takes over the master. We become slaves to our own world of control and power. And it’s all too dark. Just like the black hole.

Let us not pity ourselves. Let us not become slaves to our self pity.


Don’t care.

I believe this is the advice people offer confidently and, in abundance. You must have heard these powerful words ringing in your ears or infact you must be the person saying it often. They do magic, be it for some fraction of time until it’s effect diminishes, but they work most definitely. I am not denying what these words can do. But i believe the way people percieve it, is contradicting in certain ways.

You don’t want to care but you want people to care about you, you want to be heard and considered. How do you think that is going to happen if you enforce not caring about people and their thoughts? You feel offended about someone’s opinion and you declare that the person is not worth caring about. Have you imagined how many people think the same about you, have you realised how many people have you offended? It’s endless you know, you do that to others and others do it to you and then you wonder why you have less friends, you wonder why people have become selfish but you never wonder that you are one of those people. There are times we feel lonely even when we are surrounded with crowd and it’s a terrible, terrible feeling. You know why? Because when you realise that people don’t care about you, about who you are, you feel extremely worthless and left out.

The truth is, we have failed to distinguished when to care and when to not. We have completely restricted ourselves to who we care for because we are afraid we will get hurt. You can care and still not get hurt. And that is possible if you care unconditionally, without expecting the other person to care back. No, you will not be a loser if you give a damn. You will be one of those people who make the world a better place to live. You will certainly redefine generosity. Just imagine if someone does that for you. Now would you want to do the same for someone else?

Let’s talk anxiety.

It sits right in the middle of my chest. Slowly crawling it’s way up to my throat, making me suffocate. It’s hard to breathe but i do it anyway. I inhale sharply to the rhythm of air and try to exhale slowly. Oh how i wish that to work! I feel all the more nauseous. But that’s the thing about it, you cannot puke it out and neither can you swallow. It settles like a lump down your throat. If you can relate, you obviously know what i am talking about.

I don’t know what makes anxiety worse, is it the feeling itself or is it about acknowledging the feeling as one. Because once you realise you have it, you percieve it as a problem which cannot be solved. For a moment you are just fine and next you are sweating and feeling extremely vulnerable out of nowhere. They say it’s hard to describe what you feel but it’s not that way. You can describe what you feel but when you are in that moment, you are feeling so many emotions all at once that you fall short of time (not words). You can describe it best when you are actually feeling it because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good and you don’t want to bring it back by writing about it.

It’s like a trauma that hits you in waves. Sometimes they are so strong that they take you with it and you are not present in the moment anymore. You are struggling to breathe and come back to reality but you fail. Sometimes they are weak and pass easily and you are back to being ‘you’, feeling a lot better. It’s exhausting and sometimes even sleeping doesn’t help.

Sometimes you feel to be around people to feel less lonely and sometimes your solitude does the healing and the last thing you want to do is breathe the same air as someone else. Anxiety is high maintenance i tell you! But it does teaches you patience. Feeling lifeless teaches you a lot of patience.

It’s never enough to talk about anxiety. It’s all the same and yet so different every time you experience it.

My lullaby

It’s at night

When my heart aches the most

Yes, i can feel every inch of the pain

Radiating in my nerves

Touching those remote corners

I’ve lately been aquainted to;

It’s not until the wave hits me

That i become aware of my breathing

It starts off heavy

Getting shallow as the reality sink

When my eyes stink

Letting go off the memories 

Until it finally ceases

Putting me to sleep

And just when i feel so dead

I wake up with the dread

Wondering was it tears or sweat

That made my pillow so awfully wet.

Mind: The worst critic?

We all fear judgements, well atleast most of us do. There is this voice inside us which tries to be a counsellor and rationalize our fear by analyzing things to make us aware of the fact that our fear is unreal, that we need not be scared because what our head has created doesn’t exist in reality. But how long does the counselling effect stays with us? Also, how often do we listen to this voice?

There are times when our weakest emotion overpower our strong will. Ironic much. It is justified because we cannot be strong every second of our life. Infact one must know what weakness feels like in order to distinguish what strength feels like. Weakness is nothing but feeling helpless. There is this fine line which our mind crosses while analysing the logic behind our fears. And when that happens we actually become the person we are scared of. 

For instance, when we are scared of judgements we actually remind ourselves of every possible judgement anyone can pass on us in that particular time period. Now that our mind knows the extent of humiliation that may potentially exist, we believe it to be happening even when we truly don’t know what is going inside other person’s head. We go past the point of analysing to the extent that we convince ourselves with the worst outcome in the best possible way. Another irony. What truly happens is, we judge our own self. We become the judgemental person we are scared of.

It doesn’t take much for the counsellor inside us to perform the ‘out of body’ function of becoming a self-critic which only offers negative criticism. There is no trick about how to stop thinking because the harder you try not to, the more it grows on you. You can read numerous articles and try numerous things but it will only work if you want it to. Not easy as it sounds. Because ofcourse why won’t a person want to feel better? That is what you think. But certainly not your unconscious. Our mind is so desperate to get better, to stop overthinking, that it becomes so foggy with all the things we do to make it calm. We take so many efforts all at once that none of it works out and then we feel bad because the outcome is pretty undesirable. This eventually leads to losing all the hopes to get better. 

You don’t have to worry about anything. And certainly not about why you can’t stop worrying. Calm is not an easy act to pull off. But all you got to know is it’s effortless. No one can teach you how to be calm because it’s something only we can achieve on our own. It’s when you are weak that you have the best opportunity to become a calm person because we are the most desperate in our weak times. We are desperate to become strong and that is where our strength lies. And you won’t even realise how naturally you will emerge as a stronger human being when you stop punishing yourself by pushing harder for faster and effective results. You are never powerless because your mind can think what you want it to think. It can be your best critic if you want it to be. It’s all natural. It’s all inside you. Just breathe and be.

The independent living.

We all want to become independent and bold because we all know being independent comes with this immense power that you can control your life. Having control of life is a stability very few have mastered. But are you one of them? Are you truly and religiously an independent person who doesn’t need anyone to survive?

You know, we all face these days when we are so miserable that we desperately want to talk to someone. We want someone to hear us out and let go off our baggage. We quite literally unload our emotional baggage and put it in front of them and let them decide what to do with that trash. We ask them to show us direction, to show us the path where we can get moving because being stuck is quite an awful situation for us. Those are the days when actually your life is testing how independent can you be. Dumping your trash in someone else’s bin is the easiest escape from the stink and filth of your own sorrow. We all have to clean our own filth, we all have to learn from our suffering and not until you do that, you cannot have control of our own life.

Letting go off this urge to take someone’s help to emotionally stabalize yourself is what makes you independent. You cannot become independent just by deciding to become it, you become by actually going through the process and coming out just fine without depending on someone emotionally. It might not happen in one go, it might take more than one blow for you to get the hint but just know that everything that is happening with you which is not good or right is only because it’s trying to tell you something, trying to teach you something. Reccuring trauma is a sign of a life lesson waiting for it to be learned. 

No, your life is not cruel my friend. It’s just trying to teach you something of a value. It’s just trying to make you independent because once you have control of your life, nothing and nobody can shatter you. 

Approaching someone is not a bad thing to do, but being dependent on them for making your life decisions is certainly not the right thing. Just like you everyone else is lost. And how will someone show you which one is the right path for they themselves are lost.

One tear at a time.

So i have been told

I will suffer until i am bold,

I try to heal my cuts

Forcing caffiene in my guts,

If only i’d knew

My penance was overdue,

Would have never asked for a day

Only with the night i’d stay

Chasing reasons for my pain,

Breaking the endless chain

Of laughter and tears,

And my magnificent fears.

Living in the head.

Some questions are always left unanswered. The questions as to when will we stop suffering? Questions as to why me? Questions as to will things ever fall into place? Nobody knows and nobody ever will. But don’t we all spend the maximum time and effort behind thinking about them? 

Not always in life do we have this ‘try me’ attitude instead of ‘why me?’. Sometimes we are so tired and exhausted that even if we are ready to fight back, we just don’t have the energy to do it, physically and mentally both. We just stay there in the moment, completely absorbed by the darkness, mourning the demise of our hopes. We are always taught to keep our hopes as high as possible and there is nothing wrong in it. But you see the problem is when the high hope comes crashing down with enormous velocity and kills itself, much like a suicide. It’s like the high the hope, the deep the pain. While all this is happening inside your head, the world is totally unaware and least bothered to be aware in most cases. 

 Imagine a city where all it’s people are slowly killing themselves. Imagine what it must be to be in there, witnessing all the dead bodies. Dreadful, isn’t it? The city is nothing but your head. This is what it is like to feel depressed, all the hopes inside you commiting suicide. Now honestly, would you live in such a city, inhaling the air of deceased? The answer is obviously not! 

Everybody wants to live in a habitat which gives positive vibes and has healthy environment. We live in our head all day. It’s our natural habitat. So why don’t we make it a happy and comfortable place for us and our hopes to survive. Let’s just ease out and free ourselves from the slavery of desperation. Desperation of finding answers to questions which we might never get the answers to. And even if you get the answers it won’t make much difference because that is not what is takes to go through your suffering. It takes positivity and strength. Everything begans at home and our first home is our head. Let us realise the importance of keeping our head positive and healthy, it won’t take much but will definitely give you a lot.

Image source: Google
Don’t let the high hopes take you down.                 Image source: Google