Cluster of feelings.

When the pain feels like pleasure and you want your heart to ache some more.

When you want to cry your heart out yet you decide to ignore.

When it gets hard to breathe feeling confined in those desperate thoughts.

When all you thought was tying heart to heart knots.

When times were so you felt dreamy and delirious.

When you realised you were only being needy and oblivious.

When you loved so much to give away the hate.

When you closed your eyes feeling tired enough to wait.

When the world was spinning but only one picture stood still.

When he held her hands yet against your will.

When you died a million times inside your mind.

When your soul wanted love, the hopeless kind.

When his happiness gave you a purpose to shine.

When in parellel universe you confessed him, “you are mine.”

Inside out.

We happen to know alot of people in our life, in various forms. Let them be our friends or family or just aquaintance or whatever we name it. People play a very unexpected, sometimes happening sometimes not, role in your life. In our living we try to know them inside out, we try to make out their personalities of what they show to us. But not everytime what they show to us is what they actually are, and certainly its not negative to show something and be something in some cases. But what forms pure evil is when you use this as a weapon. Using emotions against someone is just so devious, yet some people don’t mind being one. 

                 Maybe everybody is afraid to show their real self out to the world, feeling too vulnerable. People tend to fake it even if they hate being fake because even if we hate things we still have the potential to do it. Trust is what holds us from giving it away, whatever we have. Stronger minds have fragile hearts. The sinking feeling in your heart when the trust is broken is like a glass being shattered, loud enough to make you numb and sharp enough to hurt. You know why it is hard to trust again? Because nobody likes to commit a mistake twice, that’s what we were taught.

                Humans are a mystery. Only the individual knows what he is inside out, what is to be shown and what is to be kept hidden. If you have to reveal what’s in the mystery you will have to use trust as a key, and perhaps the person will let you in his head. But what happens when you get there? What happens when what’s outside contradicts what’s inside? The key disappears. The trust ceases to exist. 

                  What is to be deduced is that however close you might be to anybody there still exist the possiblity of you not knowing them inside out. But rather than questioning why the person didn’t show it enough, you should ask whether you have enough strength to see what he has to show. Because if you don’t then the mysteries will always be alive.

Sometimes the selfish is real.

There are times when people fail to understand you. They prefer to go with the obvious side of the story. The part which lifts heavy with emotions and which makes you seem emotionless and devious somehow. I don’t know how many people actually see through the situation and react or they just react for the sake of it but you remind yourself not to let people’s opinions about you turn into facts. You deal them casual, as ordinary like it doesn’t affect you. You are the only person at that point who knows the reasons for your decision and your acts and you are not answerable to anyone who is not in a position to understand your state. You are a strong mind, you are an individual person. Just like other’s opinions impact the situation so does yours. If you as an individual come out as independent, then there won’t be any sabotage on your part. 

                   Sometimes we don’t look good, we don’t come off as a good person with a big heart who forgives people and always smiles. Here’s a thing, We don’t have to look good in front of people everytime. Sometimes, we have to be ourselves and even if the world judge you at that time or call you mean, you have to stand by your side. Being ourself is not associated with being a bad person. You have to show what you feel about somebody even if it hurts that person because sometimes saying the truth becomes necessary. You are not here to win hearts at the expense of your ownself. Its okay to be a little selfish and think about yourself because you are definetely not the only person who is thinking about self. It becomes a necessity when nobody else does think about you but only you do.

Don’t fear the fear.

We keep searching for the one thing that gives us hope of optimism. But sometimes, we run out of that hope, the kind of positivity we look for. That is the time when our facts are replaced by fears. We start to fear because we don’t find a reason not to. You know what, Fear sells. It traumatizes you and makes you feel guilty even without commiting a mistake. Its tears you apart and suddenly you feel that the world is  falling. Devastating hallucination seems to be coming true. But the real truth is that its all in your head.  Your mind destroys your inner peace.

                   So, here is a piece of advice, Destroy what destroys you. Yes, destroy your worst fears. The only thing that can bring you down is your fear for that thing and not the thing in particular. Fear doesn’t shuts you down, it wakes you up. If you know how to control your fear and use it as your strength, you will definitely become a stronger person and there will be no guilt. There will be peace and an incredible willpower. We all need that, don’t we?

              Just like being blindfolded and asked to shoot someone on his head not necessarily concludes that you will have an headshot , there are more chances of it to be vague and out of order. Same way, you are vague thinker and your thoughts can be too out of facts to be true. You are just being blindfolded by fear. Fear is just a concept and not reality. Once you face it you will get to see the real picture. You control your fears instead of letting it control you. 

Understanding the untold.

In life, you cannot keep up with every promise you made, every word you gave to the person which gave him hopes that you will show up on your promises, you will fulfill them. Does that mean you should stop making promises? Certainly not. 

What we have learn always is, if a person fails to do what he said he will, it means he has changed. And everytime the change has to be adverse and something to do with betrayal. Being on that part of story where you can easily blame or categorize someone is very much simpler because you are not answerable. But being on that part where you have been tagged as ‘changed’ is harder because you know you have not changed and you constantly have to make efforts to prove them wrong but there are more chances of not being convincing to them because people tend to be adamant of refusing their change of mind.

The point is, we are not supposed to please everyone in our life. If people are mature enough and they love you and that love reciprocates, there is never a need of explanation. Explanation of why you didn’t show up. We are humans and we are very bad at empathising someone. We always die for explanation, infact we wait for the other person to be answerable so that we pounce on them for answers.

Not everytime a person who fails to keep his word suggests that he is ignoring you or making excuses. Sometimes its genuine. We all need to be generous enough to understand that priority changes as time changes. Thats perfectly fine because people keep coming into our life and there is always a possibility to be more closer to the new things. There might be a chance that you failed to understand the person. That the new person understood the said person in the way he was supposed to. 

Its not important for being the priority, it is important to have that person in your life. You need not constantly meet to examine how good your relationship still is. You just have to believe in each other. That is how it works.

Do regrets have answers?

We don’t deserve the hostility we get. What is it about? Why is it that all what people show us is enmity? What have we done? We don’t really have answers, do we? If we’ve had answer we would never ask the question. 

           Not everybody has it what you have, the capacity for dealing with being oppressed. Feeling weak, so weak that the powerlessness overrides the digust and the anger left inside. Its not just the person who gets opressed but also the feelings. The feeling crashes down in pieces. But now when those pieces connects its a whole different picture which you can see. You don’t see the pieces into the same form, you don’t see the feelings having the same feel. 

             All the world can say, will always be to fight back. But what you know, nobody knows, nobody understands, nobody feels. You know its not foreign feeling of being oppressed for which you didn’t stood up for yourself. You know its history recreating itself. Bringing back those days you never wish to see. You never wished to be judged again. Yes you didn’t fight back but you had a reason. You didn’t stood up because even this time you thought you would never repeat your mistakes again. Even if standing for yourself was a mistake by then it might not be now. All you can feel is dilemma.

A dilemma transforming into a regret…

You tell yourself one thing, someone’s oppression is never your regret. You can stand up. You can do it what you didn’t. You don’t know your potential until you test. Let the world judge, let it make you feel regret. But never put the regret into a question mark. Never ask if you regret. Because regrets don’t have answers, they have more questions. And those questions don’t have answers either..