So i have been told
I will suffer until i am bold,
I try to heal my cuts
Forcing caffiene in my guts,
If only i’d knew
My penance was overdue,
Would have never asked for a day
Only with the night i’d stay
Chasing reasons for my pain,
Breaking the endless chain
Of laughter and tears,
And my magnificent fears.
Today i felt like a storm of emotions collided into my heart. Yet this feeling made me hollow. Maybe today that i faced this reality that i found hard to absorb. My mind was empty yet i didn’t had space to suffice the truth. I always had a thing for honesty but for this once the candor felt like a sharp knife. It bruised but i didn’t bleed for that i was so lifeless. I was just a body floating on this universe, a flesh without the soul, a mind without the thought and a heart without the emotion. Yes, today i felt what its like to be nothing.
The far i ran from it, the closer it haunted me back. I walked ahead and tried to leave them behind my footsteps but they were following me back leaving a trail of my own mess. It tried to shame me and it succeeded. It was anonymous until i gave it a name. Yes, today i got driven by my insecurities yet again.
Always that i felt secured under my own skin but today is that i felt trapped. Maybe i was afraid to look beneath this skin for what i truly was. I was afraid from being different than how i looked myself in the mirror. I was afraid to deviate from my own reflection. For what my mirror reflected was just my body, if only it could reflect my mind. Maybe then for once i would have believed that i was beautiful. Yes, today i felt ashamed.
I felt lost yet again but today i failed to found myself. Maybe i was there somewhere but i failed to recognize. Because today i encountered reality and not my distorted perception about it. The distortion was deeply satisfying but it faded soon for that satisfaction was not what i deserved anymore. I deserved to know the truth irrespective if it was meant to be. I tried to see the good and bad but this entire act was hollow. For that there didn’t exist any such thing except for my subjective perception about the good and the bad. I became insane because sanity stopped making sense to me. Yes, today was the dawn which never transformed into my day.
We keep searching for the one thing that gives us hope of optimism. But sometimes, we run out of that hope, the kind of positivity we look for. That is the time when our facts are replaced by fears. We start to fear because we don’t find a reason not to. You know what, Fear sells. It traumatizes you and makes you feel guilty even without commiting a mistake. Its tears you apart and suddenly you feel that the world is falling. Devastating hallucination seems to be coming true. But the real truth is that its all in your head. Your mind destroys your inner peace.
So, here is a piece of advice, Destroy what destroys you. Yes, destroy your worst fears. The only thing that can bring you down is your fear for that thing and not the thing in particular. Fear doesn’t shuts you down, it wakes you up. If you know how to control your fear and use it as your strength, you will definitely become a stronger person and there will be no guilt. There will be peace and an incredible willpower. We all need that, don’t we?
Just like being blindfolded and asked to shoot someone on his head not necessarily concludes that you will have an headshot , there are more chances of it to be vague and out of order. Same way, you are vague thinker and your thoughts can be too out of facts to be true. You are just being blindfolded by fear. Fear is just a concept and not reality. Once you face it you will get to see the real picture. You control your fears instead of letting it control you.