Today i felt like a storm of emotions collided into my heart. Yet this feeling made me hollow. Maybe today that i faced this reality that i found hard to absorb. My mind was empty yet i didn’t had space to suffice the truth. I always had a thing for honesty but for this once the candor felt like a sharp knife. It bruised but i didn’t bleed for that i was so lifeless. I was just a body floating on this universe, a flesh without the soul, a mind without the thought and a heart without the emotion. Yes, today i felt what its like to be nothing.
The far i ran from it, the closer it haunted me back. I walked ahead and tried to leave them behind my footsteps but they were following me back leaving a trail of my own mess. It tried to shame me and it succeeded. It was anonymous until i gave it a name. Yes, today i got driven by my insecurities yet again.
Always that i felt secured under my own skin but today is that i felt trapped. Maybe i was afraid to look beneath this skin for what i truly was. I was afraid from being different than how i looked myself in the mirror. I was afraid to deviate from my own reflection. For what my mirror reflected was just my body, if only it could reflect my mind. Maybe then for once i would have believed that i was beautiful. Yes, today i felt ashamed.
I felt lost yet again but today i failed to found myself. Maybe i was there somewhere but i failed to recognize. Because today i encountered reality and not my distorted perception about it. The distortion was deeply satisfying but it faded soon for that satisfaction was not what i deserved anymore. I deserved to know the truth irrespective if it was meant to be. I tried to see the good and bad but this entire act was hollow. For that there didn’t exist any such thing except for my subjective perception about the good and the bad. I became insane because sanity stopped making sense to me. Yes, today was the dawn which never transformed into my day.
We happen to know alot of people in our life, in various forms. Let them be our friends or family or just aquaintance or whatever we name it. People play a very unexpected, sometimes happening sometimes not, role in your life. In our living we try to know them inside out, we try to make out their personalities of what they show to us. But not everytime what they show to us is what they actually are, and certainly its not negative to show something and be something in some cases. But what forms pure evil is when you use this as a weapon. Using emotions against someone is just so devious, yet some people don’t mind being one.
Maybe everybody is afraid to show their real self out to the world, feeling too vulnerable. People tend to fake it even if they hate being fake because even if we hate things we still have the potential to do it. Trust is what holds us from giving it away, whatever we have. Stronger minds have fragile hearts. The sinking feeling in your heart when the trust is broken is like a glass being shattered, loud enough to make you numb and sharp enough to hurt. You know why it is hard to trust again? Because nobody likes to commit a mistake twice, that’s what we were taught.
Humans are a mystery. Only the individual knows what he is inside out, what is to be shown and what is to be kept hidden. If you have to reveal what’s in the mystery you will have to use trust as a key, and perhaps the person will let you in his head. But what happens when you get there? What happens when what’s outside contradicts what’s inside? The key disappears. The trust ceases to exist.
What is to be deduced is that however close you might be to anybody there still exist the possiblity of you not knowing them inside out. But rather than questioning why the person didn’t show it enough, you should ask whether you have enough strength to see what he has to show. Because if you don’t then the mysteries will always be alive.
Deep down i fear, fear alot about all those moments wherein i fail to prove myself. It doesn’t matter whether you expect from me or not but it always haunts me, the belief that i was never the way you wanted me to be. Maybe i was never meant to be that way, never was i there to impress you but time has changed or rather my feelings for you has. I can see you getting closer to someone else and even if i act normal, inside is that I’m jealous. Changing myself just to make it all right but i know i am failing. Yes, i am insecured because i need the attention i always craved for!