I have gone too far
Pretending everything to be fine
Now there is no turning back
I am far past the line
My heart is heavy
And my mind is sappy
But who do i tell?
For them, i am happy
I have so much to speak
But not what you want to hear
If only you could listen
What i don’t say, my dear.
The thing about old toys and humans is that you have to let them go when the time comes. Not because they have worn out, not because you stop loving them, but because you have to grow up.
I like being a child. I can be a child forever. It’s like being a child gives you this advantage of commiting a mistake under the name of experience. You are learning and so you will commit a mistake and that is all right until you feel guilty and improvise. But being an adult is like aiming for perfection. You cannot afford to commit a mistake. Being adult is like being on a full time probation. You are always being watched over. Your karma is all set to ruin you once you do something wrong. I know that karma works otherwise as well, even when we are young. But the damage done in adulthood feels irrepairable. It’s like you feel too much pain and there is no remedy that can heal you. There is this part of being mature, we tend to understand things better. We understand our feelings better, the bad ones too.
When you are a kid, crying is a way of getting things done. You cry and you get what you want because no one wants to see you getting hurt. No one wants you to suffer. They want you believe that you will get whatever you yearn for, that nothing is impossible to get. They lie. They teach us to live in denial. And right after reality hit us, we realise that we don’t get everything we want. We cannot have what we cry for. Infact that is why we cry for the most because we realise we don’t have the kind of control over life that we once anticipated.
This transition from childhood to adulthood is like going through a black hole. Your old self disappears without a trace and you keep searching for it endlessly. It’s an entire different universe. You cannot survive in it unless you unlearn. Unlearn things that contradicts with this universe.
It takes power to absorb reality. Power lies in control, and the only control we can have is on our self.
Self control makes us the master of our life. But that is only the partial truth. Because if there is a master, there is a slave. And if we are the master then we must not forget it makes us the slave as well. Slaves to self-pity. Pity of not being able to control ourselves and our life. Perhaps why we feel so powerless sometimes, when our slave-self takes over the master. We become slaves to our own world of control and power. And it’s all too dark. Just like the black hole.
Let us not pity ourselves. Let us not become slaves to our self pity.
It sits right in the middle of my chest. Slowly crawling it’s way up to my throat, making me suffocate. It’s hard to breathe but i do it anyway. I inhale sharply to the rhythm of air and try to exhale slowly. Oh how i wish that to work! I feel all the more nauseous. But that’s the thing about it, you cannot puke it out and neither can you swallow. It settles like a lump down your throat. If you can relate, you obviously know what i am talking about.
I don’t know what makes anxiety worse, is it the feeling itself or is it about acknowledging the feeling as one. Because once you realise you have it, you percieve it as a problem which cannot be solved. For a moment you are just fine and next you are sweating and feeling extremely vulnerable out of nowhere. They say it’s hard to describe what you feel but it’s not that way. You can describe what you feel but when you are in that moment, you are feeling so many emotions all at once that you fall short of time (not words). You can describe it best when you are actually feeling it because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good and you don’t want to bring it back by writing about it.
It’s like a trauma that hits you in waves. Sometimes they are so strong that they take you with it and you are not present in the moment anymore. You are struggling to breathe and come back to reality but you fail. Sometimes they are weak and pass easily and you are back to being ‘you’, feeling a lot better. It’s exhausting and sometimes even sleeping doesn’t help.
Sometimes you feel to be around people to feel less lonely and sometimes your solitude does the healing and the last thing you want to do is breathe the same air as someone else. Anxiety is high maintenance i tell you! But it does teaches you patience. Feeling lifeless teaches you a lot of patience.
It’s never enough to talk about anxiety. It’s all the same and yet so different every time you experience it.
We become the kind of person we read novels about and watch movies/series of. The way we see things is quite an outcome of how we comprehend our fictional lives. Being this person who lives a life more in fiction than reality, i always felt the way i comprehend things is very different than how people do. When you read lot of novels you kind of become this narrator which describes things in the way that the listener will also feel what you felt like when you were in the moment. Making the reader a spectator of your story is how you sell a great story.
Aren’t we all the narrators of our own life? Then why is that we all view our life with the mediocre vision of boredom instead of an extraordinary exciting touch of our own fiction. It makes a lot of difference how we see things. Our life is our fiction but we don’t really narrate the way we should be. What happens in a good book or a good movie is what happens with us too. But it’s very unfortunate as to how we look at it. We are too busy focusing on what we should do more to achieve more and how to get better and better. It’s endless, you know, getting better is an endless journey. You can never convince yourself that you have finally became the person you always wanted to be. Because what ‘better’ means to us is always a step ahead from where is stand. We keep crying our entire life for the chances we missed, for never having enough. The thing is, we can never have enough of anything. Till the time infinity exist, we can never feel finite. We always want a little more and the little keeps getting bigger until it becomes a pile of huge trash. The trash of our lack of appreciation towards life. The trash which often becomes the reason for demotivation.
There is a difference, the difference between how we see things and how the same things are narrated in a novel/movie.
How we see: A pen falls from my hand and the handsome guy sitting next to me picks it up.
How the novel says it: I keep fidgeting with the pen and suddenly it slips from my hand, ends up on the ground. For fraction of moment i feel irritated until i see the handsome guy sitting next to me picking up the pen for me. I wonder what a gentleman he is! He hands over the pen to me and i smile sheepishly at him. Gratitude.
You see the difference? The difference of a little fictional vision. It is very must to have it, to feel a little more and better than our monotonous way of looking at things. I won’t suggest to feel the same way for every guy who picks up a pen for you, he might not be a gentleman but gratitude is always key to good relationships.
Things might not get better but your eyesight can definitely make a lot of difference. Comprehend things the way an author would do and your life will become the one you read about. Become the narrator who sells a good story, you are the protagonist, always.
There are days when i face emotional setbacks and i don’t know where to go. Today i was talking with my friends as to how far we have to go to end this suffering, how hard do we hold on and what do we hold on to? There was nothing we could come up with and we were all kind of frustrated and pretty much devastated about the situation we were into. Suddenly the car keys slips out of friend’s hand and ends up in a sewer. That was like the cherry on the cake! We were stuck in the middle of nowhere with our keys stuck in a little sewer and the openings were so narrow that we couldn’t put our hands into it. As a very frustrated human being, my friend started crying and questioning as to why everything in her life was falling apart, nothing was going right. We were analysing of what we could do to get out of this impossible situation. We were really hopeless but my friend (who lost her keys) was really desperate to get the keys out, so she tried her last shot and got herself a twig and started poking the keys to somehow lift it up. My other friend and me were quite confident as to why the twig thing was not helpful although we were supporting the act. A man stopped by us and noticed what we were doing and then he asked us what went wrong so we told him the story. He offered us help so we accepted that. He went pass by the tree and broke the thinnest twig and rolled the end into a knot that could fit the keychain of the keys. He inserted that into the sewer hole and after few attempts he managed to get our keys out. We were all taken aback! We started thanking him and he just kept murming ‘God is great’ and then he left. I was wondering that such people really restore my faith in humanity. A complete stranger helps us out of a situation we nearly thought as impossible.
That was the moment when i realised that i got my answers to the questions i asked before. How far do we have to go to end the suffering? We have to go to as far as we can, as far as we get kicked in a curb full of dirt, as far as we have the strength to live the hard days. How hard do we hold on? We hold on until we don’t lift ourselves from the tragedy. What do we hold on to? We hold on to the possibilities our life offer to us because ‘God is great’.
People we meet cross our paths for this very reason, they are nothing but a mere medium for answers. Life will revert back to your questions. Go look for your answers, my friend!
I am quite a hardcore believer of the fact that A private life is a happy life. Not that i don’t want to share things with people around me but i think there are certain pre-conditions of opening up to someone. The first question that always comes to my mind is How do i trust this person?
We all have faced such situation when we share something to someone and instantly regret. So when it comes to sharing the deepest secrets or stories of your past, the concern is the trust you invest in someone, that the person will remain faithful to you and will not use your secrets as a weapon against you to make you feel how miserable your life is. You already know how your life is, you just need a person to reassure you that things will get better, to make you realise your strength instead on fixating on your weaknesses.
The panic trigger of spilling our beans is about our weakness. We are too afraid to expose our weak side to anybody. Therefore we always choose such a person who cares enough about us and the fact that the person gives a damn about how we feel. I don’t know how people started to behave with this ‘not giving a damn’ attitude to almost every situation in their life. We need to realise that certain things are crucial in our life and they need our attention. You cannot escape your responsibilties by saying that you don’t care. It is really hard to find someone who is mature enough to deal with what you have to say. Immaturity has become quite the trend.
Nevertheless, even if you open up to someone and you still feel insecured about it, just remember that you are still the person who gets to dictate the terms of life. The person who knows your story doesn’t become the protagonist of it. The person is still a spectator and you can always manipulate the script and take charge of your life. We all make mistakes and sometimes our mistake is choosing the wrong person to talk about our mistakes. Some people are going to make you feel worse about what you did and on the contrary some are going to cheer you up. But then the most powerful card you can play is self-realisation.
If you are not the person who likes to share things with others and who believes into having a private life, find a way you can release your emotions into. You don’t have to wait for the right person to come along for things in your life to get better. You can start with doing what you like. We all are passionate about somethings or other. Human beings are quite the talented species i believe. You can write you emotions, you can play them, you can sing them, you can kick them and also you can cry them. And if one day you feel that it is very necessary to talk and let out your anger, sorrow and regret, i am sure there is someone in your life that you trust with your insecurities. That person will never judge you. All you gotta do is give a shot. If things go wrong then we are back again at becoming humans and commiting mistakes!
There are so many times when we feel completely helpless, like we want to act on the situation but there is something which is holding us back. Might as well that something is your belief that whatever you are going to do is of no use, you have lost the control over the situation. Everytime we think of an action we always think about it’s consequence and every action has a different outcome but when i talk about being helpless, the one thing that comes to my mind is the consequence is ultimate. That is what helpless feels like, no matter how many different actions you take, the outcome is going to be the same. So when you know that nothing good comes from your efforts you just sit back and take time to absorb the reality. As hard it is for you to take in the information and living with your helplessness, for as long as it continues, it is equally hard for people around you to accept the truth.
People often mistake ‘being practical’ as ‘being pessimistic’. When i am in such situation where i know it’s not happening the way it should be, i choose to take a pause to realise that i need a different approach to deal with this. So, everybody needs there own ‘good time’ to realise how to deal with a situation. The good time always vary and it’s relative as to how comfortable you are with your approach. Meanwhile, people around you are going to tell you that it’s a negative approach because to the world it may seem like you are giving up. The world we live in has a habit to see things constantly moving, when there is a pause they think something is wrong. The thing is, do not waste your time in explaining the world about the steps you are going to take, instead work on the execution of your masterplan. There is always a master plan and you are the master.
We are so used to going through other people to convince our own self that whenever we as an individual think of something, we always need an affirmation from someone we are close to. Just to make sure we are doing it right and incase we fall there is always someone to have our back. The problem is we don’t trust ourselves enough to execute something without a heads up from someone else. As much as you are unaware of your future, everybody else is too.
If what you want is going in a wrong way or is not going in any way at all, just take a pause to realise, to update yourself with the facts of the situation. Your potential is always constant, you just need a different approach. If one approach doesn’t work then there are infinite such approaches. Taking time doesn’t mean giving up. A pause can always be played. Don’t feel competitive that people around you are moving forward and on the contrary you are stuck. Comparison is always going to make you feel sick because you are too modest to accept your greatness. The people around you are exploring their path and you are exploring yours and since the two paths are different, the time to reach your destination is obviously going to differ. There is no need to justify someone as long as you know what you are doing. Have faith in yourself. Don’t let anything else consume your will power to become what you want. No consequence is ultimate as long as future is unpredictable.
We are the hypocrites that we judge. Sometimes in life we contradict with ourselves. We judge someone for something and that something is present in us too. But we are too afraid to face that reality and our belief, our judgement becomes hypocrisy. Unintentionally we end up judging our own self. What is worse than judging your own self?
Its very hard to accept the bad that we do because we always want to be someone good. Someone that everybody falls in love with. We want everybody to love us the way we do to ourself. But sometimes we reach to the level of hypocrisy where we cannot face our self. We feel the good in us is lost because our judgements have overpowered our ability to be kind.
Basically, we raise the standards of what ‘good’ means for us. We keep the parameter high, always. Because we want to be the epitome of kindness and we always try to reach those standards and benchmark that we create for ourselves. Its not negative to create standards but the practicality of the situation is lost when you think you should and you must attain those benchmarks. You need to be practical enough to think that our standards for ourselves are hypothetical. We cannot always be up to the mark. We are never meant to. You are driven by the sanity in you to become this good human being. But we cannot be good always, atleast not to everybody, and not everytime.
We become the hypocrites because we judge ourselves on basis of those hypothetical standards. Infact we judge everybody based on those standards because that is our little theory of ideal life. Its okay to not achieve the highs in your life. Its okay to fail. Its okay to be ashamed for facing yourself for that you are a human too. Its natural. You need to forgive yourself. You can be everything but perfect, because perfection is as hypothetical as your standards are.
We all think that our world is a jigsaw puzzle and each of us is a piece of the same. We try to find our match, we try our best to fit in perfectly for the jigsaw to complete and yes it looks beautiful. But then how accurate are we? How accurate is this comparison of world with a jigsaw puzzle?
When i was a kid, i was desperate to be the person i see in others. To like what they like, to be able to comprehend things the way they do, to portray myself the way others carry themselves and to put up what the world has to offer. Like living a double life, when in the crowd i used to pretend to be like them, i would react the way they expected me to, laugh on the jokes i never found funny, talking about other person’s life even though i was not interested to,pretending to hate someone i was not intended to and lot such things. I was afraid i was not doing it right because all these things were supposed to bring me pleasure just like they did to others but matter-o-factly it made me unhappy. When i used to sleep at night i would feel sorry for talking something i would never mean, i was obviously lying. And whoever said this was right – “You can lie to everybody but yourself”. I was afraid that i was different. I had alot to realise back then, i had to hear this “It’s okay to be different” and not just hear but absorb it in my heart. But there was nobody to say it and i was not aware that, to free myself i will have to accept who i am. Constantly making an effort to fit in because i was not ready to discover who i really was beneath this mask of lies. But i knew one thing that the mask wasn’t a sign of deception but instead it was a protection from the world.
The world is armed, not with real weapons but words, and they had the potential to destroy my very divergence.
So, in life, you may not meet such a person who will come and tell you that it’s okay to be yourself, that you shouldn’t be afraid to be real. The thing is you will have to realise it yourself. And even though it may take time for you to discover who you are and know where you’re happiness really lies in, that’s perfectly fine because great things takes time to realise. The moment you realise you are worth the way you are just start living it up life the way you want to and don’t wait for anybody’s affirmation. People don’t have to accept you, you have to accept yourself.
The one similarity we all have is our uniqueness.
The world will always be vulnerable but don’t fall prey. I am sure you have immense strength in yourself. If i can believe in you then so can you, believe in yourself.
Today i felt like a storm of emotions collided into my heart. Yet this feeling made me hollow. Maybe today that i faced this reality that i found hard to absorb. My mind was empty yet i didn’t had space to suffice the truth. I always had a thing for honesty but for this once the candor felt like a sharp knife. It bruised but i didn’t bleed for that i was so lifeless. I was just a body floating on this universe, a flesh without the soul, a mind without the thought and a heart without the emotion. Yes, today i felt what its like to be nothing.
The far i ran from it, the closer it haunted me back. I walked ahead and tried to leave them behind my footsteps but they were following me back leaving a trail of my own mess. It tried to shame me and it succeeded. It was anonymous until i gave it a name. Yes, today i got driven by my insecurities yet again.
Always that i felt secured under my own skin but today is that i felt trapped. Maybe i was afraid to look beneath this skin for what i truly was. I was afraid from being different than how i looked myself in the mirror. I was afraid to deviate from my own reflection. For what my mirror reflected was just my body, if only it could reflect my mind. Maybe then for once i would have believed that i was beautiful. Yes, today i felt ashamed.
I felt lost yet again but today i failed to found myself. Maybe i was there somewhere but i failed to recognize. Because today i encountered reality and not my distorted perception about it. The distortion was deeply satisfying but it faded soon for that satisfaction was not what i deserved anymore. I deserved to know the truth irrespective if it was meant to be. I tried to see the good and bad but this entire act was hollow. For that there didn’t exist any such thing except for my subjective perception about the good and the bad. I became insane because sanity stopped making sense to me. Yes, today was the dawn which never transformed into my day.